Warning: Dreadful Jokes (Not safe for anyone!)

[Ruud Van Driver]

What’s a mathematician’s favourite festive snack? Mince Pi

Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay? Because they were two deer.

How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born? They had a weigh in a manger.

I’ve started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention. Laughed more than I thought.

I bought a dog from my local blacksmith. When I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

Just watched a wildlife documentary on beavers. Best dam programme I’ve seen in a long time.

I was trying to explain puns to my kleptomaniac friend today, but she kept taking things literally.

A woman told me she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.

Bought a litre of Tipp-Ex yesterday. Huge mistake.

What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds.

My wife told me I was a fool to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

I tried to catch some fog today but I mist.

Just watched a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting.

I used to have a problem where I couldn’t stop naming classic American sitcoms, but I’m over it now. Happy Days.

I stole a rabbit today. Then I had to make a run for it.

Police just caught a man stealing fifty helium balloons. They had to let him go.

Jokes about opticians just get cornea and cornea.

I was walking the dogs the other day when all of a sudden they vanished into thin air. Not sure where they went, but I’ve got some leads.

When my wife told me I had to stop impersonating a flamingo, I decided to put my foot down.

Dad: I’ve just been diagnosed with Tom Jones syndrome. Mum: Is it common? Dad: It’s not unusual.

My wife asked me if I could please stop singing ‘Wonderwall’. I said maybe.

My mate had to take a second job at the bread factory. He kneaded the dough.

How do you approach an angry Welsh cheese? Caerphilly.

Once got a job at a circle making factory but I got fired for cutting corners.

Did you hear the plum joke? It was pitiful.

I worked in an origami shop once. It folded.

I’ve just been diagnosed as colour blind. It came right out of the purple.

Why didn’t the melons run off to get married? Because one of them cantaloupe.

I applied for a job making sandwiches, but the roll had been filled.

Did you hear about the recent explosion in the local cheese factory? There was de brie everywhere.

Used to run an anti-gravity machine business. Never got off the ground.

Tried to make myself a Hawaiian pizza last night but burnt the whole thing, should have put the oven on aloha setting.

Walked past a butcher shop and they were selling eight legs of venison for £20. I thought that was two deer.

We started a time travel paradox company but it ended before it began.

My wife’s working in a bowling alley. Ten pin? No, permanent.

I applied for a job making sandwiches, but I didn’t baguette.

I worked in a lingerie shop once, but it went bust.

What do you call a sleepwalking Nun? A Roamin’ Catholic.

I used to have a job at a calendar factory. I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

A fish swam into a wall, damn.

I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted.

What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y.

If you want a job in the moisturiser industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.

What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1

Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? Dunno, they’re just a bit shady.

I hate perforated lines, they’re tearable.

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.

My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.

What do you get hanging off banana trees? Sore arms.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

What’s a duck’s favourite dip? Quackamole.

I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Did you know that owls can’t breed in the rain? It’s too wet to woo.

You heard the rumour going around about butter? Nevermind, I shouldn’t spread it.

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor? “Make me one with everything.”

I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that’s just nuts.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.

Furniture store keeps calling me. But all I wanted was one night stand.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

Had a rough day, and then somebody went and ripped the front and back pages out of my dictionary. It just goes from bad to worse.

Steak puns. They’re a rare medium, well done.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay, he woke up.

What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant.

Just ate a frozen apple. Hardcore.

What did the buffalo say to his son as he left for college? Bison.

Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do crabs never give to charity? Because they’re shellfish.

Two satellites decided to get married. The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was incredible.

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na.

What do you call a person in a tree with a briefcase? A branch manager.

Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours. So they decided to call it a day.

Did you hear about the three holes in the ground filled with water? No? Well, well, well.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.







Thank you, thank you, I'm here all week

[GradyPhilpott]

[Hairdude1]

[swatty]

Very accurate title I

[Psmith]

[asadtiger]

Hahaha..i actually enjoyed those.. does that mean I have a terrible sense of humor?

Sent from my SM-N920S using Tapatalk

[MonBK]

:)

[braxd]

With the perfect header.

[hbbfam]

Nicely done.

[Rebel]

Cute.

[cop414]

Good ones Paul

[Paul]

[echauhan]

those are great! keep them coming! such as:

I just found out that I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop anytime.

I had a nightmare that I was being attacked by Gloria Gaynor, at first I was afraid, I was petrified!

[Squalex]

Best thread on TRF