Elgato's Jokes

[elgatonegro]

Which is the better ride?


The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told him, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.”

The motorcycle genius thought about it for a minute. “I want to hang out with God,” he said. St. Peter took the inventor to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized the Harley inventor and commented, “Okay, so you’re the one who invented Harley motorcycles, eh?! But what’s the big deal about inventing something pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can’t run without a road?!” The Harley inventor was embarrassed. “Excuse me but aren’t you the inventor of woman?” the inventor asked. God said, “Ah, yes.” “Well,” said the inventor, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. It chatters constantly at high speeds. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. And, finally, the maintenance costs are outrageous!” “Hmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God.

God went to his supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper. God read the output. “Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed. But according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

[Ashley]

[JJ Irani]

[limbo]

[Aqua fobic]

Nice one

[marshallr47]

[topcat30093]

:r ofl:

[toph]

[jasonbellevue]

[elgatonegro]

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father 10 times, and if the pain became too much for the father to bear he should let the doctor know. The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100 percent of the pain, times 10. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him. The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.

[TDH]

[elgatonegro]

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he instructed his wife: “I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.” When he died, his wife arranged a funeral for him complete with a nice casket. When it was time to bury him, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!” She came over with a box and put it in the casket. The undertakers then locked the casket down, and then rolled it away. A friend who was with the grieving wife, and who knew what the dead guy made her promise, asked: “Girl, I know you weren’t a fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.” The loyal wife replied: “Listen, I’m a Christian, I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.” “You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?!” “I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”

[pwrslider]

[Ashley]

[elgatonegro]

The nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation, and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time this happens, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?” The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” “Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,”said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?” “Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” “No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun. “You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?”

[elgatonegro]

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from the Philippines , another from Mexico and an American. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "What? You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid??

"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico".

The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the Fence.

[Tools]

Somebody has too much time on their hands..........

[elgatonegro]

A man standing in line at a counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, “Hello!” Her face was beaming. He gave her that “Who are you?” look because he couldn’t remember ever having seen her before. Noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. “Look,” she said. “I’m sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children” and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, “What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can’t keep track of who fathers her children!” Then he got a little panicky. He ran out the store, caught her in the parking lot and asked, “Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy s*x on the pool table in front of everyone?” “No,” she said with a horrified look on her face. “I’m your son’s second grade teacher!”

[pwrslider]

Whoooops!!

[ROLEX MAN]

what a good laugh!

[Ashley]

[elgatonegro]

An atheist at sea is thrown overboard into shark-infested waters. He struggles to swim back to his boat but a very hungry shark is already hurtling toward him. He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the Great White open, revealing its teeth in horrific splendor, the atheist screams: “Oh God! Save me!” In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The voice of God booms as the man lays motionless in the water. “Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?” Confused and panicked, the atheist replies: “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?” “As you wish,” the Lord replies. The beam of light disappears and the man find himself about to be attacked by the shark again. As the atheist stares in horror at his imminent death, the shark suddenly stops and pulls back. The Great White closes its eyes, bows its head, and says: “Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive…”

[elgatonegro]

BEAUTY PAGEANT


JUDGE: What if you find out that your boyfriend has AIDS,what will you do?

CONTESTANT: I'd still love him (EVERYBODY CLAPS.)



...Because AIDS doesn't matter!

[johan]

[elgatonegro]

There was this Filipino kindergarten teacher and she was teaching her class how to do the hokey-pokey.

She started off by saying, "You put your right feet in, you put your right feet out, you put your right feet in...."

Suddenly one of the children said, "Teacher you have to say 'foot.'" So the teacher said, "You 'foot' your right feet in, you 'foot' your right feet out....."

[elgatonegro]

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Maria said, "My family went to the Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "`fascinate.`"

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Magic Kingdom. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word fascinate.`"

Mario raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Mario was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.

Mario said, "My sister has a new sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."

[elgatonegro]

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

[elgatonegro]

A Filipino doctor has introduced the use of a device that enlarges a man's sex organ by up to 5 times with no side effects. It is called a magnifying glass.

[frostie]

[limbo]