Just because we need a little humour to break the tension
*Half of us are going to come out of quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half with a drinking problem.
*I used to spin the toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.
*I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.
*Still haven't decided where to go for Easter. The Living Room or The Bedroom
*PSA: every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
*Day 2 of Homeschooling: 2 students suspended for fighting, 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.
*I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
*I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. She thought her cat understood her. I went in and told my dog..... we laughed a lot.
*After this quarantine will the producers of “My 600 Pound Life” just find me or do I call them?
*Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called “THE KITCHEN”. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
*My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.
*Day 6 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.
*I'm so excited. It's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?
*I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyardo. I'm getting tired of Los Livingroom.
*Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.
*Day 9 of Homeschooling: My child just said "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".
*Jewish Irony: Passover canceled because of a plague.
*Many parents are just about to discover the teacher is not the problem.
*Sneezes went from bless you to f---- you real quick.
*We're about two weeks away from seeing everyone's true hair color.
*What's worse: two masked guys trying to rob you or your unmasked pizza delivery guy?
*OK I've completed my 90 day trial of 2020. How do I cancel?
*Anyone else feel like life is being written by a fourth grader? "And there was this virus and everyone was scared. And then the world ran out of toilet paper. Yeah, and then there was like no school for a month."
*If you need 144 rolls of toilet paper for a 14 day quarantine, you probably should have been seeing a doctor long ago.
*Looks like we'll also need to bail out our science fiction writers to rewrite history.
*Now that we have everyone washing their hands correctly: Next week-- turn signals!!!