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FremStar · 12 October 2012, 07:43 AM

Louis C.K.: “I’ve been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. The worst is when the train goes express on a whim. Like mid-ride, they decide, Let’s not stop. Why are we stoppin’? Let’s just go. And let’s not tell them either. Or let’s tell them as the doors are closing. [Closing doors sound] ‘Next stop 205th Street.’ The worst thing is you can’t really react, you know? I can’t go, 'Oh my god, somebody help me! I don’t belong on this train! That’s not my area up there!' You can’t do that. When you get there, you gotta get out like, Alright, I’m home. Yeah. Good to be back on 6 trillionth street.”

Jim Gaffigan: “I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic; I’m nothing. ’Cause if you’re Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, He’s got a Latin temper. But if you’re a white guy and you get angry, people are like, That guy’s a jerk. Stay away from him. He’s a turd.”

Mike Lawrence: “I live in New York. I love this city; it’s a great city. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. There’s three New York stories, alright: There’s ‘I moved here,’ ‘I lived here all my life’ and Ghostbusters.”
Steven Wright: “I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.”

Joe Mande: “I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. And really all that means is that I'm constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like they're about to go operate a steam engine.”

D.L. Hughley: “In L.A., rich people live with rich people and poor people live with poor people. In New York, that’s from building to building. Like I asked my friend, I said, 'Man, what’s a good building?' He said, ‘A good building, you got a door man. A bad building, you just got a man in a door.’”

Marc Maron: "It’s a thrill to be in New York. But I’m frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. I didn’t get much sleep. I’d flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. I was on an elevator in a building in Manhattan. There was a guy on the elevator with me. Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. It was like, You pulled it off. My lips are sealed, bro. Looking forward to the show.”

Emo Philips: “New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, ‘I’d like a card.’ He said, ‘You have to prove you're a citizen of New York.’ So I stabbed him.”

Jimmy Pardo: "I've got to tell you, that's a gorgeous four-and-a-half hour drive in from the airport."

Pete Holmes: "There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that it's impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Think about that, that's true. 'Cause you can hear anything, at any hour -- there's always something to blame it on."

Jonathan Katz: "Even if you like New York, you'll admit it's not a nice place. It does things to a person. My uncle -- 10 years ago, this guy was a prominent judge in Manhattan; now, he's a wino living in Central Park. But out of respect people still say, 'May I approach the bench?' And that's sweet."

Patton Oswalt: "I live in Los Angeles. For a long time I was very ambivalent about living in LA. I realized it was because of all of my New York friends; they are the ones who put it in my head, 'You live in this shallow, plastic, sell-out town. You got to move to New York, that's where it really happens, man.' So last year I moved to New York; I lived in New York for a month. And now I know why all of my New York friends want me to move there. They want another warm body between them and the constant spray of sh*t and horror that you are subjected to."

Jerry Seinfeld: "When you're in Manhattan, you don't get scared no matter how fast the cab goes. 'He's driving fast and recklessly, but he's a professional. He's got a cab drivers' license, I can see it right there. I don't know what you need to get a cab drivers' license. I think all you need is a face. This seems to be their big qualification. No blank heads are allowed to drive a cab in this town."

FeelingTheBlues · 12 October 2012, 09:29 AM

77T · 12 October 2012, 10:53 AM

Art 1 · 12 October 2012, 06:54 PM

eric23 · 13 October 2012, 01:04 AM

Peppers90 · 13 October 2012, 10:57 AM

Right on Sam!

TSW · 13 October 2012, 02:50 PM

Sarajevo · 13 October 2012, 09:40 PM

Brilliant jokes. NYC is my 80 year old Mum's favourite city. I have never been there - need to remedy that quick.

mjclark32 · 13 October 2012, 09:56 PM

Hahahaha

12 October 2012, 07:43 AM	#1
FremStar "TRF" Member Join Date: May 2009 Real Name: Sam Location: Gotham City Watch: Wall Street Posts: 9,954	Some NYC Jokes To Pass The Time... Louis C.K.: “I’ve been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. The worst is when the train goes express on a whim. Like mid-ride, they decide, Let’s not stop. Why are we stoppin’? Let’s just go. And let’s not tell them either. Or let’s tell them as the doors are closing. [Closing doors sound] ‘Next stop 205th Street.’ The worst thing is you can’t really react, you know? I can’t go, 'Oh my god, somebody help me! I don’t belong on this train! That’s not my area up there!' You can’t do that. When you get there, you gotta get out like, Alright, I’m home. Yeah. Good to be back on 6 trillionth street.” Jim Gaffigan: “I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic; I’m nothing. ’Cause if you’re Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, He’s got a Latin temper. But if you’re a white guy and you get angry, people are like, That guy’s a jerk. Stay away from him. He’s a turd.” Mike Lawrence: “I live in New York. I love this city; it’s a great city. But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. There’s three New York stories, alright: There’s ‘I moved here,’ ‘I lived here all my life’ and Ghostbusters.” Steven Wright: “I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.” Joe Mande: “I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. And really all that means is that I'm constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like they're about to go operate a steam engine.” D.L. Hughley: “In L.A., rich people live with rich people and poor people live with poor people. In New York, that’s from building to building. Like I asked my friend, I said, 'Man, what’s a good building?' He said, ‘A good building, you got a door man. A bad building, you just got a man in a door.’” Marc Maron: "It’s a thrill to be in New York. But I’m frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. I didn’t get much sleep. I’d flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. I was on an elevator in a building in Manhattan. There was a guy on the elevator with me. Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. It was like, You pulled it off. My lips are sealed, bro. Looking forward to the show.” Emo Philips: “New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, ‘I’d like a card.’ He said, ‘You have to prove you're a citizen of New York.’ So I stabbed him.” Jimmy Pardo: "I've got to tell you, that's a gorgeous four-and-a-half hour drive in from the airport." Pete Holmes: "There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that it's impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Think about that, that's true. 'Cause you can hear anything, at any hour -- there's always something to blame it on." Jonathan Katz: "Even if you like New York, you'll admit it's not a nice place. It does things to a person. My uncle -- 10 years ago, this guy was a prominent judge in Manhattan; now, he's a wino living in Central Park. But out of respect people still say, 'May I approach the bench?' And that's sweet." Patton Oswalt: "I live in Los Angeles. For a long time I was very ambivalent about living in LA. I realized it was because of all of my New York friends; they are the ones who put it in my head, 'You live in this shallow, plastic, sell-out town. You got to move to New York, that's where it really happens, man.' So last year I moved to New York; I lived in New York for a month. And now I know why all of my New York friends want me to move there. They want another warm body between them and the constant spray of sht and horror that you are subjected to." Jerry Seinfeld:* "When you're in Manhattan, you don't get scared no matter how fast the cab goes. 'He's driving fast and recklessly, but he's a professional. He's got a cab drivers' license, I can see it right there. I don't know what you need to get a cab drivers' license. I think all you need is a face. This seems to be their big qualification. No blank heads are allowed to drive a cab in this town." __________________ "Wealth is of the heart and mind, not of the pocket!" "A Watch Is An Emotional Object, And So, It Is The Responsibility Of The Brand To Create Emotion Through It's Products" - Georges Kern "In the 1950s and 60s, they made the Ref 8171, which is a cult collectible—now that’s the ultimate Rolex you could own with a calendar and a moon phase.” - John Reardon "Heh, heh, heh..." - Michael Kilyung

12 October 2012, 09:29 AM	#2
FeelingTheBlues "TRF" Member Join Date: Sep 2011 Real Name: Carl Location: Always moving Watch: If you wish... Posts: 22,039	__________________ Mon corps c'est un pays en guerre sur l'point d'finir, Le général de l'armée de terre s'attend au pire, J'ai faim, j'ai frette, je suis trop faible pour me lever debout, On va hisser le drapeau blanc un point c'est tout. - André Fortin

12 October 2012, 10:53 AM	#3
77T 2024 ROLEX DATEJUST41 Pledge Member Join Date: Dec 2010 Real Name: PaulG Location: Georgia Posts: 40,935	__________________ Does anyone really know what time it is?

13 October 2012, 02:50 PM	#7
TSW "TRF" Member Join Date: Feb 2009 Real Name: TSW Location: Le Brassus Watch: Rolex & AP's Posts: 27,449	__________________ AP Owners Club IG @swiss.watch.connection

13 October 2012, 09:56 PM	#9
mjclark32 "TRF" Member Join Date: Mar 2010 Real Name: MJC Location: PHL USA Watch: IWC, Rolex, AP Posts: 29,232	Hahahaha __________________

12 October 2012, 06:54 PM	#4
Art 1 Banned Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Florida, Canada Watch: Rol/Seik/Tud/Omega Posts: 30,244

13 October 2012, 01:04 AM	#5
eric23 "TRF" Member Join Date: Apr 2008 Real Name: Eric Location: Calgary Posts: 9,595

13 October 2012, 10:57 AM	#6
Peppers90 "TRF" Member Join Date: Apr 2012 Real Name: Shannon Location: USA Watch: AP & Rolex Posts: 2,264	Right on Sam!

13 October 2012, 09:40 PM	#8
Sarajevo "TRF" Member Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: The Netherlands Watch: 16600371701 Posts: 1,271	Brilliant jokes. NYC is my 80 year old Mum's favourite city. I have never been there - need to remedy that quick.

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