Short Jokes...

[Orchi]

What makes a happy man?

Daughter on the cover of cosmo.

Son on the cover of sports illustrated.
































Mistress on the cover of playboy
and...

Wife on the cover of "missing persons"

[Orchi]

One day a friend of mine was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted...."Look at that dead bird!"

Half the crowd looked up at the sky and said..."where???"

[Orchi]

Used Cars Dealer's Ads: "Why go elsewhere to be cheated?

Come here first!"

[Orchi]

Mother: "How could you have dropped the baby!"

Son: "The lady next door said he was a bouncing baby and I wanted to see for myself."

[Orchi]

Wife: "One more word out of you and I'm going back to mother."

Husband: "Taxi!"

[Orchi]

Don't marry the person you want to live with,
marry the one you cannot live without...





























but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.

[Orchi]

Err...Orchi means no offence to Santa Claus by this...

Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

[Orchi]

A hungry little boy was beginning to eat his dinner when his father reminded him that they hadn't prayed.

"We don't have to," said the little boy. "Mommy is a good cook!"

[Orchi]

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.

"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.

"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

[Orchi]

Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon Bonaparte!"

Another patient asked, "How do you know?"

The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"

Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"

[JJ Irani]

[Orchi]

A woman was complaining to the neighbor that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.

"Take my advice," said the neighbor, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed, I called out, 'Is that you, Jim?' And that cured him."

"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how?"

The neighbor said, "You see, his name is Bill."

[JJ Irani]

[Orchi]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

[Gerry]

Orchi, you're like a machine gun - before I can stop laughing at one joke the next one hits! Nice job!

[Orchi]

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.

An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen.

"Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?"

"Flat on his butt over by the holy water!" the boy informed him.

[Orchi]

Thank you for calling heaven.

I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
The Holy Spirit, press 3.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.

To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number followed by the pound sign. (If you get a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.)For reservations in heaven, please enter J-O-H-N 3:16

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

[Orchi]

"John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

John: "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a new-born baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

[Orchi]

A co-worker had a unique scheme to meet women. He'd call numbers at random from the phone book.

If a man picked up, he apologized for dialing the "wrong" number. But when a woman answered, he'd strike up a conversation.

One day, the department manager overheard him bragging how he averaged two dates a week from this ploy.

Was he fired?

Did he receive a reprimand?

No, he was named Director of Telemarketing.

[Orchi]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

[Orchi]

Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor.

While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.

Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."

The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant."

Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?"

The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."