Private jets . . . . some love it . . . . ;-)

[Kingair]

The Most Embarrassing Plane-Pooping Story Ever


Just over halfway through the flight, all the coffee in my stomach feels like it's percolating its way down into my lower intestine. I hunker down and try and focus on other things. What feels like an hour, but probably isn't more than twenty minutes, passes. We then enter what turns out to be pretty violent turbulence. With each bounce, I have to fight my body, trying not to shit my pants. "Thirty minutes to landing, maybe forty five" I try and tell myself, each jostle a gamble I can't afford to lose. I signal to [the flight attendant] and she heads toward me.

"Excuse me, where is the bathroom, because I don't see a door?" I ask while still devoting considerable energy to fighting off what starts to feel like someone shook a seltzer bottle and shoved it up my ass. She looks at me, bemused, and says, "Well, we don't really have one per se." She continues, "Technically, we have one, but it's really just for emergencies. Don't worry, we're landing shortly anyway."

"I'm pretty sure this qualifies as an emergency," I manage to mutter through my grimace. I can see the fear in her face as she points nervously to the back seat. The turbulence outside is matched only by the cyclone that is ravaging my bowels. She points to the back of the plane and says, "There. The toilet is there." For a brief instant, relief passes over my face. She continues, "If you pull away the leather cushion from that seat, it's under there. There's a small privacy screen that pulls up around it, but that's it." At this point, I was committed. She had just lit the dynamite and the mine shaft was set to blow.

I turn to look where she is pointing and I get the urge to cry. I do cry, but my face is so tightly clenched it makes no difference. The "toilet" seat is occupied by the CFO, i.e. our ##ng client. Our ##ing female ##ing client!

Up to this point, nobody has observed my struggle or my exchange with the flight attendant. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." That's all I can say as I limp toward her like Quasimodo impersonating a penguin, and begin my explanation. Of course, as soon as my competitors see me talking to the CFO, they all perk up to find out what the hell I'm doing.

Given my jovial nature and fun-loving attitude thus far on the roadshow, almost everybody thinks I'm joking. She, however, knows right away that I am anything but and jumps up, moving quickly to where I had been sitting. I now had to remove the seat top – no easy task when you can barely stand upright, are getting tossed around like a hoodrat at a block party, and are fighting against a gastrointestinal Mt. Vesuvius.

I manage to peel back the leather seat top to find a rather luxurious looking commode, with a nice cherry or walnut frame. It had obviously never been used, ever. Why this moment of clarity came to me, I do not know. Perhaps it was the realization that I was going to take this toilet's virginity with a fury and savagery that was an abomination to its delicate craftsmanship and quality. I imagined some poor Italian carpenter weeping over the violently soiled remains of his once beautiful creation. The lament lasted only a second as I was quickly back to concentrating on the tiny muscle that stood between me and molten hot lava.

I reach down and pull up the privacy screens, with only seconds to spare before I erupt. It's an alka-seltzer bomb, nothing but air and liquid spraying out in all directions – a Jackson Pollock masterpiece. The pressure is now reversed. I feel like I'm going to have a stroke, I push so hard to end the relief, the tormented sublime relief.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." My apologies do nothing to drown out the heinous noises that seem to carry on and reverberate throughout the small cabin indefinitely. If that's not bad enough, I have one more major problem. The privacy screen stops right around shoulder level. I am sitting there, a disembodied head, in the back of the plane, on a bucking bronco for a toilet, all while looking my colleagues, competitors, and clients directly in the eyes. "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!" briefly comes to mind.

I literally could reach out with my left hand and rest it on the shoulder of the person adjacent to me. It was virtually impossible for him, or any of the others, and by others I mean high profile business partners and clients, to avert their eyes. They squirm and try not to look, inclined to do their best to carry on and pretend as if nothing out of the ordinary was happening, that they weren't sharing a stall with some guy crapping his intestines out. Releasing smelly, sweaty, shame at 100 feet per second.

"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry" is all the ashamed disembodied head can say…over and over again. Not that it mattered.

[East Bay Rider]

O...M...G...

How was the rest of the flight?

[Kingair]

Quiet . . . .

HAGOne

[cop414]

Oh my freaking God I just totally laughed my azz right off

[ecsub44]

[seand442]

I just about spit my beer all over my ipad. Funniest thing I have heard in a while. This was the first thing that popped in my head.

[SUBversive]

Whoa. Wow. I'm not sure I know what to say.

[perpetualman88]

Actually made me crack up thanks for the laugh mate

Cheers haha

[skprd13]

Wow I can just imagine the smell! You made a great impression with the CEO! I hope you took her seat and she stayed in your seat afterwards! Hahahahahahaha!

[jw0n]

Holy crap!!

[crew]

Omg Marc! While I feel sorry for you, that is the funniest story I have ever read.
You're a very talented writer, at least when properly motivated!

[Foxy1]

Now that is very funny

[Presa canary]

I could hold my ### in for at least an hour. Mind over matter my friend. Besides I only fly on G5's....

[highcotton]

That is a funny story but it has been going around the internet for a while now.

[Kingair]

Originally Posted by crew

Omg Marc! While I feel sorry for you, that is the funniest story I have ever read.
You're a very talented writer, at least when properly motivated!

I just found it on Internet . . .

But could have been me . . .

HAGOne

[Kingair]

Originally Posted by Presa canary

I could hold my shit in for at least an hour. Mind over matter my friend. Besides I only fly on G5's....

Wooow now that's expensive shit . . . .

Love the Gulfstreams

Working night & day to get one

HAGOne

[therolexguy]

Never mind what actually happened, the writing is so amazing. Thanks for sharing, don't forget it's much better than crashing.

[Dr. Robert]

Marc....you are the Hemingway of bowel movement stories!!!!!
Very Exciting & concise, just like Papa H.

[GB-man]

that is quality writing

[tesmith2112]

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time! I hope that damn thing at least flushed!

[threemonkeys]

I am f@&$!?g laughing my brains out. That is a well-written masterpiece.

[Hairdude1]

That was the best thing I have read in a long time. WOW

[gmh1013]

Always carry Imodium or Norco or some opiate to shut down the poop factory fast

[gmh1013]

Why do the best stories always involve poop?

[SkyKing31]

Originally Posted by Kingair

Wooow now that's expensive shit . . . .

Love the Gulfstreams

Working night & day to get one

HAGOne

What were you flying?

[Andad]

Really disgusting post IMO.

[Rogdogg]

That is hilarious. I laughed out loud in the office and have everyone looking at me now. My eyes are watering too. Very funny story

Sent from my SM-N900 using Tapatalk

[GeraldJ19]

This situation makes for one hell of an awkward boardroom meeting the next day!

[Psmith]

[Kingair]

Originally Posted by SkyKing31

What were you flying?

A Learjet or a Citation 5xx . . . I really don't know . . .

It was not me . . .

HAGWe