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24 August 2005, 12:11 AM | #1 |
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Scottish Love Rites.
New research delivers enlightening insight into the sex life of the Scottish male.
Preparation Friday night is very much love night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Scottish aphrodisiac 12 pints of heavy, a white pudding supper and six pickled onions his mind is set on one thing: love. His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion, 'Any chance of na nookie getum off lassie?' The good lady in question, perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply, 'Awaity fu#k ya man.' Foreplay Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his lightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing skid mark down, as he approaches the bed and singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant, 'Here we go, here we go, here we go.' Upon reaching the bed, he comments proudly on his rampant 8 inches. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision. Initial problems After 12 pints, sometimes the man's Wee Willie Winkle is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as, 'Ya fecking useless ba@t@rd,' or possibly, 'It never happens tae ra milkman.' Fellatio Oral sex is a great favorite with the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, 'Howl ya like to put yer teeth roon this?' The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. 'Go on yourself,' she says, 'list dinnae disturb me.' Down to business Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again, alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use. Sometimes in his excitement, he may suffer from premature ejaculation, a phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase, 'Fek me, I've shot ma load.' If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as informing her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across. An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that women like to be spoken to dirty, says such things as, 'Shite, arsehole.' The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as, 'Are you sure it's in?' Given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover specializing in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout, 'Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man.' Eventually it's all over. The man rolls over, wipes his d!ck on her nightie, falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig. There's no one in the world that performs quite like a Scotsman a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.
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ICom Pro3 All posts are my own opinion and my opinion only. "The clock of life is wound but once, and no man has the power to tell just when the hands will stop. Now is the only time you actually own the time, Place no faith in time, for the clock may soon be still for ever." Good Judgement comes from experience,experience comes from Bad Judgement,.Buy quality, cry once; buy cheap, cry again and again. www.mc0yad.club Second in command CEO and left handed watch winder |
24 August 2005, 04:41 AM | #2 |
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OMG, we must have quite a few frustrated Scottish women up there!!
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24 August 2005, 06:39 AM | #3 |
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24 August 2005, 07:35 PM | #4 |
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Yes a good one
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ICom Pro3 All posts are my own opinion and my opinion only. "The clock of life is wound but once, and no man has the power to tell just when the hands will stop. Now is the only time you actually own the time, Place no faith in time, for the clock may soon be still for ever." Good Judgement comes from experience,experience comes from Bad Judgement,.Buy quality, cry once; buy cheap, cry again and again. www.mc0yad.club Second in command CEO and left handed watch winder |
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