Elgato's Jokes

[elgatonegro]

Agent getting coupon code from customer:

Agent: Can I ask for the coupon code? It's a bunch of letters.

Customers: Like ABCs?

Agent: Yes.

Customer: Ok. ABCDEFG....

[elgatonegro]

Agent giving the customer service web address:

Agent: It's P- as in Papa, I- as in India , C- as in costume, U- as in you, S- as in

Sam, T- as in Tango, O.... Oscar...V- for Voy!

[elgatonegro]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up onhis tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.

The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.

The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

[swatty]

[elgatonegro]

An engineer, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told him, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven".

The Engineer thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want
to hang out with God." St. Peter took him to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. He then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said the engineer, "professional to professional, you have
some major design flaws in your invention.

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. And
finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to the
engineer, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[elgatonegro]

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, ' Why ye s, I do . I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'

[elgatonegro]

An old farmer decides to go to town and see a movie. He is about to pay for his ticket when the ticket agent asks, “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?” “This is my pet rooster, Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes,” answers the old farmer. “I’m sorry, sir, but we can’t allow animals in the theater.” Disappointed, the old farmer goes around the corner and stuffs Chuck down his overalls. He then returns to the booth, buys a ticket and enters the theater. He sits down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie is about to start when the rooster begins to squirm. The old farmer unbuttons his fly so Chuck can stick his head out and watch the movie. “Marge,” whispers Mildred, “I think the guy next to me is a pervert.” “What makes you think so?” asks a shocked Marge. “He undid his pants and he has his thing out.” “Well, don’t worry about it,” assures Marge, “at our age we’ve seen ‘em all.” “I thought so, too,” fires back Mildred, “but this one’s eating my popcorn!”