Elgato's Jokes

[Latrodectus]

[marshallr47]

[elgatonegro]

A salesman is driving toward home in northern Ontario when he sees an Indian thumbing for a ride on the side of the road.
As the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Indian gets in.

After a bit of small talk, the Indian notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in bag?", the Indian asks the driver.

The driver says, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Indian is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade."

[yannis]

[limbo]

[JJ Irani]

[Bisquitlips]

[Latrodectus]

[vapalux]

Si

[Bisquitlips]

Originally Posted by elgatonegro

A salesman is driving toward home in northern Ontario when he sees an Indian thumbing for a ride on the side of the road.
As the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Indian gets in.

After a bit of small talk, the Indian notices a brown bag on the front seat. "What's in bag?", the Indian asks the driver.

The driver says, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."

The Indian is silent for a moment then says, "Good trade."

[elgatonegro]

This is my BIG BIKE!

(1st Picture)

The fuel injected, 45 degree 6728 cc / 410 cubic inch V-Twin runs through a 3 speed transmission with reverse and actually looks pretty good in its finished state compared to the initial photos, in fact, everything looks good. It puts out 523 foot pounds of torque. Seat height is 31.5 inches and overall length is 136 inches. It is a little heavy at 1433 pounds so high speed corner carving might be an issue and there aren’t any photos of the big bike on the road so I guess we’ll have to wait for the road test, that is if someone can actually road test this monster.



(2nd Picture)

Especially in light of the Jesse James and JRL Cycles radial engine bikes, using the relatively small Rotec engine, the Leonhardt bike instead uses two cylinders from an old 9 cylinder radial aero engine, the very large variety, which gives you a 350 horsepower, fuel injected, 6728 cc / 410 cubic inch monster V-Twin. It has a 3 speed transmission with reverse. The motorcycle’s overall length is 134 inches and weight is 870 pounds. Seat height is only 31.5 inches, pretty reasonable and lower than some production bikes out there. Speed will be electronically limited to 155 mph.

[Lion]

Elgatonegro, Thanx for the jokes they were all good!!!

[marshallr47]

[elgatonegro]

Originally Posted by Lion

Elgatonegro, Thanx for the jokes they were all good!!!

Thanks bro. Here's more of my BIG BIKE.



The previous largest motorbike...


"Big Foot" of course was the worlds first largest pick up monster truck, so naturally a monster bike should be called "Big Toe". Big Toe was built by Swedish Engineer Tom Wiberg. Pictured below standing next to his creation. Big Toe is powered by a 1975 V12 5.3 Litre E Type Jaguar engine.

This single overhead cam engine has 2 valves per cylinder and produces 300 HP, while 45mm twin choke Weber carburetors combined with a bespoke stainless muffler system deals with the exhaust and all this gets the bike which weighs 1645Kg's up to 100 kph.. about 62 mph.

The Jaguar V12 engine takes up a lot of space underneath the riders seat. Visible in this photo too is the huge fan needed to help the engine cool. There are also 3 oil coolers and 2 water coolers keeping temperatures as low as possible.

The bike is 15 foot 6ins long, 7 foot 6ins high and 4 foot wide.

The overall bike looks impressive except for the big stabilizers that remind me of my first bike as a baby boy.


The big stabilizers at the rear of the bike however are there ( not surprisingly ) to stop the bike from falling over, not only would the rider be in for a six foot drop to the ground with 1.5 tons of bike coming down on him but it would need a forklift truck to get it back on its two wheels again. These stabilizers can be raised at the press of a button if the owner dares !

I would like to see this bike ridden without them altogether though, if things got bad maybe an ejector seat would be the answer


Some Technical Points


The bike is hydraulically driven as opposed to a chain or prop shaft drive. The front wheels are also hydraulically steered and the photo below shows the steering arms in close detail.

The bike is fitted with hydro-pneumatic suspension that gives a smooth ride on this behemoth and a Kenwood 500 Watt, 10 inch Bass, quadraphonic speaker system plus CD-changer is also incorporated for extra comfort !

The "dashboard" on Big Toe is fully computerised and utilises an electronic box from a wood processing machine, this handles all the hydraulics also a remote control is connected to all the functions.

The Firestone 18-4-43 tyres are the biggest ever fitted to a bike. two hydraulic transmission pumps are used to operate the bikes steering and another two for the suspension and stabilizers.


The Project


Tom Wiberg started the project to build the bike in 1992 when he started off by constructing the wheels, by 1993 he had made the rear frame assembly along with the successful fitting of the rear wheel hub onto the hydraulic arms.

By November 1993 most of the frame work was complete and into 1994 the big tyres were finally made with rounded off edges just like the tyres on a normal sized bike. By September 1994 the frame and engine were ready along with many of the hydraulic parts. Reference to the gearbox Tom Says this: " I had to build many of the parts for the transmission myself....The gearbox is made from a solid block of aluminium."

By June 1996 the second hand Jaguar V12 engine to be fitted was fully restored and finally installed into the bikes huge frame, and by November 1996 the bike was ready for its first trial.


Tom remarked that all went well with the initial test, the engine ran smoothly and all of the hydraulics worked properly, it was a success ! Work continued and from 1996 onwards the fibre glass shell was constructed and the bike was eventually finished with nice neat paint job in 1998 after a total of 3000 man hours.

The total cost was $80,000. A lot of cash for a lot of bike.

[ayeya]

you made my day elgatonegro. Thank you!

[Latrodectus]

[JJ Irani]

[elgatonegro]

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ ____ ___________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
W ITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[Latrodectus]

WOW

[Mosco]

These never get old!

[onkyo]

Fantastic.....

[elgatonegro]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

(Don't ya love military time)


: rofl:

[swatty]

Another good one

[Bisquitlips]

[Latrodectus]

[onkyo]

[elgatonegro]

In the Philippines, most kids in private schools are forced to speak English at all times. A kid who just came from the province and who barely speaks the language tried his best to do so.

One day, the kid needed to go to the bathroom so bad but he didn't know what to tell his teacher. He raised his hand and said, "guro, pwede po bang pumunta nang banyo?" (meaning, teacher may I go to the bathroom?')

Since the boy didn't speak English, the teacher pretended that she didn't hear him. The boy said to himself, "what should I say (in Filipino, of course)". Then suddenly, the boy raised his hand and said, "FATHER, MOTHER, I", and quickly rushed out the door and to the bathroom.

The teacher wondered what the boy meant. 15 minutes later, the boy came back. The teacher asked him where he went. He said that he went to the bathroom and he needed to go really bad. Then she asked what he meant when he said 'FATHER, MOTHER, I'.

The boy then explained, "FATHER in filipino meant TATA, MOTHER in filipino meant INA and I in filipino meant AKO".

[James T]

ahahhahahahahaha

[elgatonegro]

Miriam Santiago, has challenged the least intelligent presidentiable to a televised debate. To make things interesting, Miriam says that every time she asks Erap a question which he cannot answer, Erap has to pay Miriam five pesos. BUT if Erap asks Miriam a question which she cannot answer, Miriam has to give Erap five thousand pesos.

Miriam asks the first question: ‘What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?’ Erap doesn’t say a word, reaches for his wallet, pulls out a five-peso bill and hands it to Miriam.

Now, it’s his turn. He asks Miriam: ‘What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?’ Miriam looks at him with a puzzled look.

She whips out her laptop computer and searches all her references. She taps into the phone with her modem and searches the Net. Frustrated, she sends E-mails to all her aides, assistants, and friends. All to no avail.

After over an hour, she admits defeat and hands Erap five 1000-peso bills. Erap says nothing, but politely accepts the P5,000 and turns away to go home.

Miriam is a poor sport and demands from Erap, ‘Well, so what IS the answer!?’

Without a word, Erap pulls out his wallet and gives Miriam another five pesos….

[coddger]