Medical Exams...

[RustyGnutts]

[ these came to me via an eMail...]

MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .
'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress and began to take off
her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---
and I was in the wrong one.

-- Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco


2. At the beginning of my shift
I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,' ... I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,' ... replied the patient.

-- Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA


3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad
news when I told a wife that her husband had
died of a massive myocardial infarct.

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a 'massive internal fart.'

-- Submitted by Dr Susan Steinberg


4. During a patient's two week follow-up
appointment with his cardiologist, he informed
me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with
one of his medications...

Which one ?... I asked. The patch...

The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours
and now I'm running out of places to put it !

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped
I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of
the old patch before applying a new one.

-- Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA


5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient,
I asked, How long have you been bedridden?
After a look of complete confusion she answered ...
Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.

-- Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR


6. I was performing rounds at the
hospital one morning and while checking
up on a man I asked... So how's your
breakfast this morning?
“It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly.
I can't seem to get used to the taste,”
Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced
a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

-- Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI


7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a young woman with purple hair styled
into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
entered ... It was quickly determined that
the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating
table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed green and above it there was a
tattoo that read... 'Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry... had to mow the lawn.'

--Submitted by RN no name,


8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB.
I was quite embarrassed when performing female
pelvic exams... To cover my embarrassment
I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this
exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said...

I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard ...
No doctor, but the song you were whistling was ...

'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

-- Dr. wouldn't submit his name...


9. A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

Breast-fed, she replied..
Well, strip down to your waist, the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed
both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed
examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
"No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, But I'm glad I came."