Elgato's Jokes

[elgatonegro]

A man and his wife were sitting in church, the man was sleeping and his wife was knitting. The priest asked "Who created the Earth and man?" The woman poked the man with her knitting needle and the man screamed, "GOD!" The Priest looked at him and said, "That's right."

Then he asked "Who is God's son?" Once more the woman poked her husband with the needle, he woke up and screamed, "Jesus Christ!" Again, the priest said, "Correct."

Finally, the priest asked, "What did Eve say to Adam when she didn't want any more children?" The knitter poked her husband again, but this time he screamed "Poke me with that thing one more time and I'm going to rip it off!" The priest smiled and said, "That's right."

[Erix]

[toph]

[swatty]

[elgatonegro]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

[swatty]

[xtra3cats]

Can't believe I missed all these fun, I enjoyed them all. Thanks Kabayan!

[elgatonegro]

Originally Posted by xtra3cats

Can't believe I missed all these fun, I enjoyed them all. Thanks Kabayan!

Good to know that you're part of this thread KABAYAN!

Here's more of my jokes...


A boy wanted to skip kindergarten so he could join the third graders. His teacher, shocked, took him to the principal’s office. The teacher and the principal decided to ask the boy a couple of questions as a test. “What is 3 x 3?” the principal asks. “9,” the boy answers. “What is 6 x 6?” the principal asks again. “36,” the boy answers.” The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think he can go to the third-grade.” “Wait, let me ask him some more questions,” the teacher insists. The principal agrees. “What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?” the teacher asks. The principal’s eyes opened wide in horror. “Coconut,” the boy answers. “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?” the teacher continues. The principal can’t believe his ears. “Bubblegum,” the boy replies. “You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do,” the teacher goes on. “Tent,” the boy answers. “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.” “Arrow,” the boy answers. “Damn it, put him in the sixth grade,” the principal interrupts. “I got all your questions wrong myself!”

[elgatonegro]

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.

The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''

Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''

''How!?!?!?'' she asks.

''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''

''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.

''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.

''How did you know that?'' she wonders.

''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?'''

[JJ Irani]

[limbo]

[elgatonegro]

A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down and his fly area was wide open. His secretary walked up to him and said, “Boss, this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?” This was not a phrase that he understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled. When he was done with his paperwork, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was open. He zipped it up and, remembering what his secretary had told him, he finally understood.

He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from her. When he reached her desk, he said, “When you saw the garage door open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?” The secretary smiled for a moment and said, “No, Sir, I didn’t. All I saw was a Mini-cooper with two flat tires.”

[gmtobsessed]

[limbo]

[eric23]

[Art161]

[elgatonegro]

A young beautiful lady joins a beauty pageant. In the question and answer portion, the emcee asks her, “Would you still accept your boyfriend if you knew he had AIDS?” The lady stands confidently, smiles knowingly, and grabs the microphone. “Yes, I will still accept him,” she answers, “because I do believe that AIDS doesn’t matter. That’s all thank you.”

[elgatonegro]

There was this Filipino kindergarten teacher and she was teaching her class how to do the hokey-pokey. She started off by saying, "You put your right feet in, you put your right feet out, you put your right feet in...." Suddenly one of the children said, "Teacher you have to say 'foot.'" So the teacher said, "You 'foot' your right feet in, you 'foot' your right feet out....."

[JJ Irani]

Originally Posted by elgatonegro

There was this Filipino kindergarten teacher and she was teaching her class how to do the hokey-pokey. She started off by saying, "You put your right feet in, you put your right feet out, you put your right feet in...." Suddenly one of the children said, "Teacher you have to say 'foot.'" So the teacher said, "You 'foot' your right feet in, you 'foot' your right feet out....."

[swatty]

[elgatonegro]

1. Gynecologist - Dr. Chua at your cervix.

2. Septic tank truck - Yesterday's meals on wheels.

3. Plumber's office - We repair what your husband fixed.

4. Tire shop - Invite us to your next blowout.

5. Electrical shop - Let us remove your shorts.

6. Maternity room door - Push, push, push!

7. Optometrist' s clinic - If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

[Art161]

[xtra3cats]

Kabayan, my tiyan is sasakit..

[JJ Irani]

Originally Posted by elgatonegro

1. Gynecologist - Dr. Chua at your cervix.

2. Septic tank truck - Yesterday's meals on wheels.

3. Plumber's office - We repair what your husband fixed.

4. Tire shop - Invite us to your next blowout.

5. Electrical shop - Let us remove your shorts.

6. Maternity room door - Push, push, push!

7. Optometrist' s clinic - If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

[elgatonegro]

Hope you like it guys/gals! It's for your eyes only!

[swatty]

No way

[xtra3cats]

[JJ Irani]

[limbo]

I thought only the birds and bees did it.

[elgatonegro]

here's the full size of my greatest collection!