More tommy cooper jokes

[idk01]

So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst into tears.
I said "Do you recognise the tune?"
He said "I recognise the ivory".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah.
I thought "He's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris".
He said, "Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?".
I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself
in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds
later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the
factory that makes them.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?"
He said "Okay then".
I said, "Nearest to bull starts".
He said "Baa".
I said "Moo".
He said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night
before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.
Then I rang her up and said "Do you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket and said "I want to make a complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it".
He said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red
rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".
I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition
and I won a years supply of Marmite ... one jar.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will
give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?"
I thought "That's all I need ... a Je-hoover's witness".

You see, my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes - he's a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom. I said "I want to report a nuisance caller".
He said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot"
I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran,
even he's a witch.

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags. He's bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
I said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins,
I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

[limbo]

[coddger]

[sexner]

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.
Then I rang her up and said "Do you get my drift?".


HAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAA This I can relate to!!

[Lion]

Very good!!!

[idk01]

Originally Posted by sexner

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.
Then I rang her up and said "Do you get my drift?".


HAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAA This I can relate to!!

Thats one of my favorites too

[JJ Irani]

[SubmarinerMan]

[Watchdog]

[jdc]

dear old Tommy may he RIP

[Bisquitlips]