OK, it's official - I'm evil!

[Gedanken]

The beginning of last night's flight home has to rate as one of the worst ever! I requested for a front-row aisle seat, and I got a window seat in the fourth row instead. When I asked the aircrew if they could provide a better seat, they just shrugged helplessly and so it was time to take matters into my own hands.

Seated behind me was a family that could be charitably described as provincial - if there's a Greek version of Deliverance, that's where they're from. Anyway, when I got to my seat, it had been left in the reclined position by the last passenger, and the cheap peroxide bimbo in the seat behind irritably demanded that I raise it.

By the first half hour of the flight, I was dying to get off the plane. I had the chattering magpies behind me and two screaming kids. Hmm, I mused, whatever can we do with this situation?

I pushed my seat back (as I had all right to do) and waited for the irritation to set in. Sure enough, when the meal was served, Peroxide stuck her hand over the backrest and snapped her fingers to get my attention, as if she was calling a dog.

I took my time to respond, and she told (not asked) me to raise my seat back. I shrugged my shoulders and pointed out that except for taxiing, takeoffs and landings, I was under no obligation to raise my seat back. Nonetheless, for the period of the meal, I'd raise the seat.

Then it was time for Phase 2. I waited till just as she was finishing the meal and reclined my seat again, counting on Peroxide to crack it. Sure enough, she resorted to tapping me on the head and throwing food over the seat back. When I ignored her, she called for the aircrew, exactly as I hoped she would do.

When the steward (remember the guy who shrugged helplessly?) turned up, he asked if I could raise the seat back. I said I'd be glad to under civilised conditions, but at that point, I had had fingers snapped at me as if I were a dog, my head tapped sharply and food thrown at me. I calmly told the steward that the situation could be easily and immediately resolved once I got an apology. By this time, of course, most of you will have realised that I'd have had more chance of winning the lottery than of getting an apology, and I was counting on exactly that.

Sure enough, peroxide started screaming, "WHAT APOLOGY?!" and threatened to pour her drink on me. I looked at the steward, shrugged helplessly, said, "See what I mean? Almost looks like air rage to me", and settled back to watch the movie. Hell, he couldn't give a good goddam when i wanted help earlier, so why should I make life easy for him now?

Two minutes later, the steward returned and asked if I'd like to move to one of the available seats in business class, and I said I was more than glad to and thanked him. I grabbed my gear and without a backward glance moved up to the seat I wanted in the first place.

Anyway, after a frustrating two hours, the remainder of the flight was wonderfully comfortable. As we were landing, I scribbled a letter, sealed it in an envelope (with "have a nice day" written at the back) and asked the steward to pass it to Peroxide as she disembarked. The letter goes as follows:

"Hi there!

It’s me, the passenger formerly in seat 19A, but now in business class.

I suppose that for all the misery that I have put you through, I owe you an explanation.

You see, ever since I got aboard this plane, it has been my intention to upgrade to business, if not first, class. Your actions were perfect in allowing me to achieve that objective.

How did this happen, you ask? Simple.

You gave the whole game away right at the start when I boarded, by asking me to set the seat upright. From that moment on, I knew that all I had to do was set the seat back at a bad time, to get you complaining.

How did I know it was going to be that simple? The look on your face when you first asked me to set the seat upright, before we took off, told me that this was something that was going to irritate you particularly.

From that point on, all I had to do was get you to first misbehave, and later to complain to the aircrew, and it would create a crisis that would force the steward to upgrade me. The fact that you were not regulating your own behaviour allowed me to mention “air rage” to the steward, and that simply closed the deal for me.

So anyway, here I am, enjoying better wine and a beautiful salmon sandwich that I would not have gotten had it not been for your inability to behave yourself.

Maybe you ought to learn from this in the future, but I doubt you ever will.

Cheers,

Dr Tan"

As a bonus of course, coming off business class, I ended up being the fourth person to get all my stuff, pick up a bottle of Veuve-Cliquot and Belvany and get out of the departure hall, straight into Sasha's arms.

Yes, it was all terribly wicked, but hey, I was in a foul mood, the people involved were schmucks and the stunt simply appealed to my evil sense of humour. I've got absolutely no regrets.

[dman]

LMAO!! That is too funny James. Kill 'em with kindness eh?

I guess it all worked out in the end afterall.

I bet you are really glad to be back with Sasha, hope you enjoy your time home mate!

James - you are brilliant mate! I need you to give me some pointers for my next trip to Australia.......

[Gedanken]

Thanks, guys - I'm glad to be home!

I guess growing up as a Looney Tunes fan does have some advantages in the real world!

[dman]

Originally Posted by Gedanken

Thanks, guys - I'm glad to be home!

I guess growing up as a Looney Tunes fan does have some advantages in the real world!

Ah c'mon James, "growing up" is really over-rated.

[Rockrolex]

James, I commend you. That was first class. In fact, I think that should raise you to the level of Tosser, First Class. Of course, we need confirmation from Captain Tosser, but I don't see why you shouldn't get that honor.

[dman]

Originally Posted by Rockrolex

James, I commend you. That was first class. In fact, I think that should raise you to the level of Tosser, First Class. Of course, we need confirmation from Captain Tosser, but I don't see why you shouldn't get that honor.

LOL!! Or maybe just Tosser business class.

[JJ Irani]

Hey James,

I would hardly call that "EVIL"....pure GENIUS more likely!! I've been laughing my guts out at your sheer brilliance and more so at the letter you finally wrote to "Peroxide" (LOL! What an apt name!! )

Well done, pal.

And please ask Ed who's Captain Tosser??!!

[Gedanken]

Thanks, guys - I'd be a liar if I said I didn't have fun doing it. Hell, I was giggling to myself for 15 minutes after plonking my butt into Business.

I think Captain Tosser's the guy who does all the hands-on work, serving under General Problem and Major Disaster.

Anyway, I almost forgot the epilogue. In business class I sat next to another Greek girl called Rita, and we struck up conversation. As it turns out, she was originally from Melbourne, but got married and moved to Greece 13 years ago. Just before we landed, she revealed that she was flying to Melbourne because her niece had gotten into a serious car accident, and was probably going to die. She said that she'd spent the whole flight crying, and the only time she laughed was when she was chatting with me. I take that as a great compliment, and that's gotta be the best way to end that nightmare flight for both of us.

[Gunther]

James,

Classic! As I always say... You can punch the biggest bully, you can whiz on an electric fence, you can even poke a bear with a sharp stick, but never, NEVER mess with a pshrink!!
I love to see this sort of thing go down. I, unfortunately don't have the patience to do it myself. I would have run down the list of common and exceptional insults about her and whatever family could be thought of after the finger snapping. That is, if I didn't just fix her fingers so they wouldn't make that annoying noise again!

Good on ya, Airborne!

Gun

[Gedanken]

Oh, Gun, you would not believe how tempted I was to break those fingers, especially when she started tapping me on the head, but then I'd be the air rager. It was so much better that she played right along. The funny thing is that the next guy to take over my seat was about six inches taller than I am.

Anyway, how's that quote go? Oh yeah: "You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind, you don't pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger, AND YOU DON'T MESS AROUND WITH JIM".

Well, Gun, you know about paratrooper and light infantry ops - some days you play it like a prizefighter, and some days you play it like a cardsharp. Airborne all the way!

[JJ Irani]

What a great thread!! Classic!!!

[padi56]

Well done James a man after my own heart.

[Earl]

Sorry for your seating problem but, James loved your remedy and enjoy being home!

[mailman]

Awsome, totally awesome.

James, we are mere plebs learning from the master! I'll have to remember that one. As said above, a man after my own heart.