Elgato's Jokes

[elgatonegro]

Which is the better ride?


The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told him, “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven.”

The motorcycle genius thought about it for a minute. “I want to hang out with God,” he said. St. Peter took the inventor to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognized the Harley inventor and commented, “Okay, so you’re the one who invented Harley motorcycles, eh?! But what’s the big deal about inventing something pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can’t run without a road?!” The Harley inventor was embarrassed. “Excuse me but aren’t you the inventor of woman?” the inventor asked. God said, “Ah, yes.” “Well,” said the inventor, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention. There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. It chatters constantly at high speeds. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. And, finally, the maintenance costs are outrageous!” “Hmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God.

God went to his supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper. God read the output. “Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed. But according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.”

[Ashley]

[JJ Irani]

[limbo]

[Aqua fobic]

Nice one

[topcat30093]

:r ofl:

[toph]

[jasonbellevue]

[elgatonegro]

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father 10 times, and if the pain became too much for the father to bear he should let the doctor know. The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100 percent of the pain, times 10. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him. The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.

[TDH]

[elgatonegro]

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he instructed his wife: “I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.” When he died, his wife arranged a funeral for him complete with a nice casket. When it was time to bury him, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!” She came over with a box and put it in the casket. The undertakers then locked the casket down, and then rolled it away. A friend who was with the grieving wife, and who knew what the dead guy made her promise, asked: “Girl, I know you weren’t a fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.” The loyal wife replied: “Listen, I’m a Christian, I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.” “You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him?!” “I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”

[pwrslider]

[elgatonegro]

This has got to be one of the funniest I've heard of in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired however, he is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without cause." This is the actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer.


Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations) starts here:

Employee -- "Rich Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
Customer -- "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect ."
Employee -- "What sort of trouble?"
Customer -- "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Employee -- "Went away?"
Customer -- "They disappeared."
Employee -- "Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Customer -- "Nothing."
Employee -- "Nothing?"
Customer -- "It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."
Employee -- "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
Customer -- "How do I tell?"

Employee -- "Can you see the 'C:' prompt on the screen?"
Customer -- "What is a sea prompt?"
Employee -- "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen? "
Customer -- "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Employee -- "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Customer -- "What's a monitor?"
Employee -- "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have little light that tells you when it's on?"

Customer -- "I don't know."
Employee -- "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Customer -- "Yes, I think so."
Employee -- "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

Customer -- "Yes, it is."
Employee -- "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

Customer -- "No."
Employee -- "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Customer -- "Okay, here it is."
Employee -- "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer. "

Customer -- "I can't reach."
Employee -- "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

Customer -- "No."
Employee -- "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
Customer -- "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle it's because
it's dark."

Employee -- "Dark?"
Customer -- "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Employee -- "Well, turn on the office light then."
Customer -- "I can't."
Employee -- "No? Why not?"
Customer -- "Because there's a power failure."
Employee -- "A power.......a power failure?... Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

Customer -- "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Employee -- "Good.. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Customer -- "Really? Is it that bad?"
Employee -- "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Customer -- "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Employee --"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

[elgatonegro]

A housewife heard a knock at the door, and when she answered, a man asked her if she had a v@g#na. The woman slammed the door in disbelief at what the stranger had said. The following day, the same thing happened, so she decided to tell her husband. The husband was outraged. “Tomorrow I won’t go to work,” he said. “If the man returns and ask you if you have a v@g#na, say yes, and I will be hiding behind the door.”

The next day the same man came again, and when the woman opened the door, he asked if she had a v@g#na. The woman replied, “Yes!”.

“Good,” the man said. “Then please tell your husband to stop f^ck*ng my wife.”

[elgatonegro]

Bill Gates organizes an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for Microsoft Europe. Exactly 5,000 candidates are assembled in a large room. One candidate is a Filipino named Mario Dimaculangan. “Thank you for coming,” Gates says. “Those who do not know Java may leave.” About 2,000 people leave the room. Mario says to himself, “I do not know Java but I have nothing to lose if I stay. I’ll give it a try.” Again Gates announces: “Candidates who’ve never had experience in managing more than a hundred people may leave.” Two thousand more people leave the room. “I never managed anybody but myself, but I have nothing to lose if I stay. What can happen to me?” Mario says, and so decides to stay. Bill Gates shouts once again: “Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave.” Five hundred people then leave the room. Mario whispers to himself, “I left high school at 15 but what have I got to lose?” So he stays in the room. Finally, Gates asks the candidates who do not speak Serbo-Croat to leave. Exactly 498 walk to the exits. “I do not speak one word of Serbo-Croat, but what have I got to lose?” So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Bill Gates joins them and says, “Apparently you are the only two candidates who speak Serbo-Croat, so I’d now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.” Calmly, Mario turns to the other candidate and says, “Do you know how, bro?” The other candidate answers, “I don't know either!”

[elgatonegro]

Leaving a cafe with his morning cup of coffee, a man notices an unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. Moving up the street slowly is a black hearse, followed closely behind by a second black hearse. Behind this, with head bowed, walks a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him are about 200 men walking single file. Curiosity getting the better of him, the man respectfully approaches the man walking the dog. “I know this is a bad time,” he says to the mourner. “But I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Who’s passed away?” The bereaved looks up. “Well, that first hearse is for my wife.” “What happened to her?” the man asks. The funeral-goer looks down at his pitbull. “My dog attacked and killed her.” “Well, who is in the second hearse?” “My mother-in-law,” the man answers. “She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.” There’s a moment of silence. “Could I borrow that dog?” says the first man, finally. The mourner looks at him. “Get in line.”

[elgatonegro]

Every day a male co-worker walked up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, took a big breath of air and told her that her hair smelled nice. After a week of it, she couldn’t stand it anymore and complained to a supervisor in the personnel department stating her wish to write a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor, puzzled by her decision, asked, “What’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?” “It’s Raymond, the midget.”

[Ashley]

[elgatonegro]

The nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation, and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time this happens, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?” The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.” “Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way,”said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?” “Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?” “No thank you, but, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun. “You see,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?”

[elgatonegro]

Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence. One from the Philippines , another from Mexico and an American. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The American contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Mexican contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Filipino contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "What? You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? How do you expect me to consider your service with that bid??

"Easy," the Pinoy explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Mexico".

The next day, the Pinoy and the Mexican are working on the Fence.

[Tools]

Somebody has too much time on their hands..........

[ROLEX MAN]

what a good laugh!

[elgatonegro]

A man standing in line at a counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, “Hello!” Her face was beaming. He gave her that “Who are you?” look because he couldn’t remember ever having seen her before. Noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized. “Look,” she said. “I’m sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children” and walked out of the store.

The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, “What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can’t keep track of who fathers her children!” Then he got a little panicky. He ran out the store, caught her in the parking lot and asked, “Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy s*x on the pool table in front of everyone?” “No,” she said with a horrified look on her face. “I’m your son’s second grade teacher!”

[pwrslider]

Whoooops!!

[elgatonegro]

There was a farmer who cared a lot about his animals, but had particular affection for his cow, Rosie, whom he loved like his own child.

On one morning the farmer went to feed Rosie and finds her dead. Feeling so sad and miserable, he takes his shotgun and blows his branes out.

An hour later, his wife sees the cow dead and her husband lying also dead next to her. In desperation, not knowing how to go on with her life without him, she takes a rope and hangs herself from a tree till she also dies.

After some time, the 18 year old son, sees his parents and Rosie dead and, also feeling miresable about the whole thing, jumps into a lake to drown himself. There, a mermaid gets hold of him and says: -

"Please, don't commit suicide. I can help you out. I'll let you f@#k me 3 times in a row and, if I'm satisfied, I'll bring everyone back to life. If I'm not satisfied, I'll then kill you myself."

"Done, I accept!" the 18 year old says.

He goes once, . . . he goes twice, . . . third time . . . oops! problem! So the mermaid kills him.

A couple of hours later the other, 14 year old son looks for his parents and finds them dead, then goes to the lake and finds his brother also dead. When he is about to jump into the water, to kill himself too, there comes again the mermaid: -

"If you manage to f@#k me 4 times in a row and make me happy, I'll bring all your family back to life, else I'll kill you too."

"I accept", the boy says, "but what if I manage to go 8 times? can I then ask you for a favor?"

"Just say what do you want, and it will be done", says the mermaid.

"Ok. You'll bring back to life all my family and Rosie the cow and, on top of that, you'll make us rich" says the boy.

"I accept", says the mermaid.

"All right then", says the boy "but we'll first have to make a deal on something".

The mermaid, frustrated: "What is it now?"

Then the boy says: "You have to promise me that you won't die on me like the cow did"

[Ashley]

[elgatonegro]

An atheist at sea is thrown overboard into shark-infested waters. He struggles to swim back to his boat but a very hungry shark is already hurtling toward him. He’s scared to death, and as he turns to see the jaws of the Great White open, revealing its teeth in horrific splendor, the atheist screams: “Oh God! Save me!” In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The voice of God booms as the man lays motionless in the water. “Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?” Confused and panicked, the atheist replies: “Well, that’s true I don’t believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?” “As you wish,” the Lord replies. The beam of light disappears and the man find himself about to be attacked by the shark again. As the atheist stares in horror at his imminent death, the shark suddenly stops and pulls back. The Great White closes its eyes, bows its head, and says: “Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive…”

[elgatonegro]

BEAUTY PAGEANT


JUDGE: What if you find out that your boyfriend has AIDS,what will you do?

CONTESTANT: I'd still love him (EVERYBODY CLAPS.)



...Because AIDS doesn't matter!

[johan]

[elgatonegro]

There was this Filipino kindergarten teacher and she was teaching her class how to do the hokey-pokey.

She started off by saying, "You put your right feet in, you put your right feet out, you put your right feet in...."

Suddenly one of the children said, "Teacher you have to say 'foot.'" So the teacher said, "You 'foot' your right feet in, you 'foot' your right feet out....."