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Old 1 July 2008, 07:48 PM   #31
elgatonegro
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Icon20 Fascinate

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Maria said, "My family went to the Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "`fascinate.`"

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Magic Kingdom. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word fascinate.`"

Mario raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Mario was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.

Mario said, "My sister has a new sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."

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Old 2 July 2008, 05:27 PM   #32
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Icon10 While the Cat's Away

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

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Old 3 July 2008, 03:45 PM   #33
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Icon10 Pinoy ingenuity?

A Filipino doctor has introduced the use of a device that enlarges a man's sex organ by up to 5 times with no side effects. It is called a magnifying glass.

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Old 7 July 2008, 06:35 PM   #34
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Icon20 All the same

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and sees Steven Spielberg. As he is a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him and asks for his autograph. Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour, get outta here.” The astonished Chinese man replies, “But it was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese!” “Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replies Spielberg. In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic; my forefathers were on that ship.” Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.” The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you’re all the same!”

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Old 7 July 2008, 07:11 PM   #35
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Old 7 July 2008, 07:19 PM   #36
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Old 8 July 2008, 02:04 PM   #37
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Icon20 "Honey, I Can't Perform!"

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."

"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"

"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

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Old 10 July 2008, 07:11 PM   #38
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Old 10 July 2008, 08:53 PM   #39
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Old 10 July 2008, 09:13 PM   #40
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Old 14 July 2008, 07:12 PM   #41
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Icon20 Smart ass

A boy wanted to skip kindergarten so he could join the third graders. His teacher, shocked, took him to the principal’s office.

The teacher and the principal decided to ask the boy a couple of questions as a test. “What is 3 x 3?” the principal asks. “9,” the boy answers.

“What is 6 x 6?” the principal asks again. “36,” the boy answers.”

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think he can go to the third-grade.”

“Wait, let me ask him some more questions,” the teacher insists. The principal agrees. “What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?” the teacher asks. The principal's eyes opened wide in horror. “Coconut,” the boy answers.

“What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?” the teacher continues. The principal can’t believe his ears. “Bubblegum,” the boy replies.

“You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do,” the teacher goes on. “Tent,” the boy answers.

“I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.” “Arrow,” the boy answers.

“Damn it, put him in the sixth grade,” the principal interrupts. “I got all your questions wrong myself!”


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Old 14 July 2008, 09:54 PM   #42
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good one
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Old 17 July 2008, 06:23 PM   #43
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Icon20 Abstinence

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."

The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
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Old 18 July 2008, 06:06 PM   #44
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to the Black Cat!

Thanks for posting this string of good ones...
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Old 21 July 2008, 05:25 PM   #45
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Icon20 12-Pack

Quote:
Originally Posted by bfh View Post
to the Black Cat!

Thanks for posting this string of good ones...


thanks bro. here's more...


A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''

The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.

The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

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Old 21 July 2008, 05:57 PM   #46
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quite the collection of jokes you have there, Elgatornegro
best,
dan
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Old 25 July 2008, 04:20 PM   #47
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Quote:
Originally Posted by unclesallie View Post
quite the collection of jokes you have there, Elgatornegro
best,
dan

yup, I've lots of them. thanks though for the nice comment. for more of jokes here in our forum.
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Old 25 July 2008, 04:37 PM   #48
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and a BUNCH I've never heard or seen!! Good Job!
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Old 25 July 2008, 05:01 PM   #49
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Icon20 Smart ass

A boy wanted to skip kindergarten so he could join the third graders. His teacher, shocked, took him to the principal’s office. The teacher and the principal decided to ask the boy a couple of questions as a test. “What is 3 x 3?” the principal asks. “9,” the boy answers. “What is 6 x 6?” the principal asks again. “36,” the boy answers.” The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think he can go to the third-grade.” “Wait, let me ask him some more questions,” the teacher insists. The principal agrees. “What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?” the teacher asks. The principal’s eyes opened wide in horror. “Coconut,” the boy answers. “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?” the teacher continues. The principal can’t believe his ears. “Bubblegum,” the boy replies. “You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do,” the teacher goes on. “Tent,” the boy answers. “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.” “Arrow,” the boy answers. “Damn it, put him in the sixth grade,” the principal interrupts. “I got all your questions wrong myself!”

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Old 28 July 2008, 07:31 PM   #50
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Icon20 Blonde's Brain At Work

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

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Old 29 July 2008, 10:16 AM   #51
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Old 1 August 2008, 06:05 PM   #52
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Icon20 A Child's Prayer

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

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Old 1 August 2008, 10:21 PM   #53
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Old 4 August 2008, 03:39 PM   #54
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Icon20 A Fisherman's Tale

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.

The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."


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Old 5 August 2008, 06:18 AM   #55
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Old 7 August 2008, 06:51 PM   #56
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Icon20 A Group Of Four Very Close Friends

There was a dentist, an electrician, a salesperson, and a carpenter that met everyday for breakfast at a low income diner. They were all married except the salesman. When he was married, he went on his honeymoon with his wife. The other three still met for breakfast when he was gone. An idea came up to play some practical jokes on the new married person.

"I'll make his bed slant so his bed will collapse when he is making love," said the carpenter.

"I'll hot wire his mattress so that he'll feel immence heat while making love.'

"Those are good ideas," said the dentist. "But I am not going to tell you what I'm going to do.'

The next day the salesman comes into the diner. He says "I congratulate you guys for making my bed collapse, and I thank you for making my bed really hot, but I'm going to kill the bastard who put novocaine in the vaseline."

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Old 7 August 2008, 08:24 PM   #57
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more good ones!
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Old 9 August 2008, 08:30 PM   #58
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Where do these keep coming from!!
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Old 20 August 2008, 02:09 PM   #59
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Icon20 Park and fly

A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper was down and his fly area was wide open. His secretary walked up to him and said, “Boss, this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?” This was not a phrase that he understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled. When he was done with his paperwork, he suddenly noticed that his zipper was open. He zipped it up and, remembering what his secretary had told him, he finally understood.

He then intentionally went out to ask for a cup of coffee from her. When he reached her desk, he said, “When you saw the garage door open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?” The secretary smiled for a moment and said, “No, Sir, I didn’t. All I saw was a Mini-cooper with two flat tires.”

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Old 20 August 2008, 06:17 PM   #60
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