ROLEXROLEXROLEXROLEXROLEXROLEXROLEXROLEXROLEXROLEXROLEXROLEX
|
11 July 2019, 10:03 AM | #1 |
2024 Pledge Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Real Name: Tom
Location: Mandeville La
Watch: 16610M
Posts: 10,445
|
Sensitive subject.. (divorce?)
When couples are later in years and they argue every day, about everything, every day, when does one call time of death on a marriage?
Neither one of us are bad people, we both love each other’s kids. Fidelity is not an issue. She has grandkids that I adore, and she is great with my adult children. We both make a comfortable living and we got married 12 years ago, but have no kids together, biologically. Counseling has been tried, please know, not looking for any wanderlust or mid life crisis, but just want a simple easy life with zero drama. Cannot hurt to get advice from total strangers, right? Thanks TRF family |
11 July 2019, 10:13 AM | #2 |
"TRF" Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: UK
Watch: Sub,SD,DJ,OP
Posts: 1,950
|
Wow very honest and open. Its a shame when relationships get to that point. Top marks for trying counselling, maybe it is just time to call it a day.
I would rather be friends with somebody, then leave a relationship at the point of hating each other. The fallout with kids/grandkids, biological or not can be bad in divorces/separations. Although continuing toxic relationships witnessed by the above are just as bad. Can you change what yous argue about all the time? Is there something that can be changed to save your relationship? Best of luck mate |
11 July 2019, 10:26 AM | #3 |
Banned
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 3,990
|
Are you fed up with the constant rowing over minuscule matters?
You’ve done counselling, so she’s aware of how you feel and knows there is a problem, but refuses to accept it needs resolving? Has she checked with her MD if it’s just a hormonal thing that HRT could be prescribed or tweaked (if she can take or is already on it)? Does she see the rows as a problem or simply a part of being older and less compromising? Have you told her it’s getting to you and you’ve been thinking that maybe it's time to call it quits? Would you prefer to be on your own, doing your own thing, or is the companionship something that’s keeping you from going solo? Can you go somewhere for a short while (without raising any suspicion), and then see if things change upon returning or is exactly the same as it is now? |
11 July 2019, 10:20 PM | #4 | |
Banned
Join Date: Oct 2014
Real Name: The Enabler
Location: South Cackalacky
Watch: me crash my bike
Posts: 5,564
|
Quote:
|
|
11 July 2019, 10:33 AM | #5 |
2024 Pledge Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Real Name: Danny
Location: Bay Area CA
Watch: Yellow Gold
Posts: 20,138
|
After 3 years you just turn into roommates
|
11 July 2019, 10:43 AM | #6 |
Banned
Join Date: Jul 2008
Real Name: Paul
Location: San Diego
Watch: 126619LB
Posts: 21,541
|
I am very sorry to hear this Tom, I hope it works out for the best, and if that is divorce then it is what it is. I am not one to offer advice, I have been divorced about 15 years and my marriage was a sham to begin with.
About the only thing I can offer is to send positive thoughts your way and hope. |
11 July 2019, 10:44 AM | #7 |
2024 Pledge Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Hollywood 1950
Posts: 4,051
|
Life is too short to be unhappy everyday.
If you have honestly tried to get things back on track but have failed, it might be time to move on. Could a trial separation be useful? It could help better define the situation. JMHO. |
11 July 2019, 11:39 AM | #8 |
"TRF" Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Real Name: Jesse
Location: New Zealand
Watch: 116234, 116613LB
Posts: 1,855
|
|
11 July 2019, 02:03 PM | #9 | |
2024 Pledge Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Real Name: Don
Location: NC/WY
Watch: Me
Posts: 4,588
|
Quote:
Marriage is nothing more than an act of insecurity brought about by societal and religious teachings. Except for child rearing, it serves no logical purpose, only fulfills said teachings.
__________________
”When citizens learn to vote themselves the treasury, they limit prosperity.” |
|
11 July 2019, 03:57 PM | #10 | |
"TRF" Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Real Name: Wayne
Location: California
Watch: Rolex, PAM
Posts: 3,302
|
Quote:
It got me health insurance between jobs. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
|
11 July 2019, 06:25 PM | #11 | |
"TRF" Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Scotland
Posts: 2,838
|
Quote:
4-6 rent on a nice apartment but pencil in a few days each week for a meal/ drink/ something that is neutral group but can allow talking Hope it works out either way |
|
11 July 2019, 10:54 AM | #12 |
2024 Pledge Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Real Name: PaulG
Location: Georgia
Posts: 40,574
|
Definitely an interesting topic as almost everyone will have an opinion or two. Brave move to open up on TRF.
If I may be allowed to proffer an opinion - I noted the absence of her feelings in your post. A dispassionate discussion would have included that point of view. My first thought is that unconditional love may no longer be present - presuming it was in the beginning. My conclusion (albeit based on incomplete input) is that you’re in more pain than you may realize - or are comfortable sharing. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
__________________
Does anyone really know what time it is? |
11 July 2019, 11:08 AM | #13 |
Banned
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: down by the river
Posts: 4,926
|
Well it's easy for people online to say "break it off" but I know from experience that it's not an easy decision to make.
Personally I am divorced for about one year and I am infinitely happier now, even though staying with her would have made me much wealthier. Some questions I asked myself are: Does this person care how I feel? Do I look forward to seeing this person? Do I think they're generally a good person? My answer was probably "No" for all three. I have dated a lot since then and have been shocked by how many great women are out there -- that I'd been missing out on while being unhappily married -- but I'm pretty young so it was an easier transition to being single. |
11 July 2019, 11:16 AM | #14 |
"TRF" Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Real Name: Anthony
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Watch: Dblue
Posts: 6,723
|
What would happen if you made a decision to stop contributing to the arguments? If you can do that, maybe the arguments would subside.
|
11 July 2019, 11:24 AM | #15 |
2024 Pledge Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: USA
Posts: 3,339
|
hoping for whatever is the best for both of you.
__________________
2FA-Enabled Official Member "Perpetual 30" Las Vegas International GTG 2016 Official Member "WIS-CON" Las Vegas International GTG 2017 Official Member "WIS-CON" Las Vegas International GTG 2019 |
11 July 2019, 11:36 AM | #16 |
"TRF" Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Real Name: Jesse
Location: New Zealand
Watch: 116234, 116613LB
Posts: 1,855
|
Give it one more try.
Divorce could be both financially and emotionally draining Consider moving out first. Way out of her space. Get your your own "space". Less talk less, less mistake, less hurtful things. No talk, no mistake- but heck that's the point of a relationship, right? Often, you just need someone to talk with. But if it's toxic and hurtful, move on. On a personal note, I am hoping that you'd miss each other after a long while of getting your own space. Regards |
11 July 2019, 11:37 AM | #17 |
"TRF" Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: South
Posts: 342
|
I wish you both the very best possible outcome and happiness. I'd recommend writing down all the pros and cons of staying and then do the same for leaving. Give it some time to contemplate. Persistent inaction will insure that you both are miserable. Invest yourself into the solution...whichever direction that takes you both. Best wishes and good luck.
|
11 July 2019, 11:43 AM | #18 |
"TRF" Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Northern Ontario
Watch: 19018N OQ
Posts: 848
|
There is a lot of good information posted already. As mentioned, kudos for opening up in such a public manner.
As Paul brought up, this would be a great area for you to explore (either on your own or also in a follow-up post to the thread): How does she feel in all this? Divorce is never easy. And since money will be lost either way, a trial separation, while it technically carries a "cost" so to speak, may help both parties rediscover what they like about each other and what they may otherwise be missing if ultimately the decision is made to divorce. It's infinitely easier to go through a trial motion than to actually call it quits and attempt reconciliation. One quote (I should add this to cop414's Sayings, Quotes, and Anecdotes!) that I learned years ago from my old breakup: A broken relationship is like a broken mirror. Don't hurt yourself picking up the pieces trying to put it back together. I'm not a counselor by any means but I sincerely empathize with you on this thread. |
11 July 2019, 11:40 AM | #19 |
Banned
Join Date: Jun 2019
Location: East Bay Area
Posts: 551
|
If you're thinking about getting a divorce, get a divorce.
Spend the rest of your life with someone you want to be with. |
11 July 2019, 11:58 AM | #20 |
2024 Pledge Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Real Name: shannon
Location: usa
Posts: 8,987
|
I’m happily married so I’m not an expert. I feel life is short. Why be unhappy? Most people stay in a poor situation; work, relationships etc because they are afraid of change. Generally speaking, when a person removes themselves for the poor environment and a little time has passed they are much more happy. I don’t know anyone that has said man, I really screwed up and shouldn’t have got divorced or I wish I didn’t leave my lousy employer. It’s usually quite the opposite. I feel people who get a divorce feel as though they have failed and don’t want to let others know due to judgment. In the late 70’s my mother walked out on my dad and 4 kids. I was very young so I don’t recall much. No doubt my dad was devastated, he worked hard in a family business 50 to 60 hours a week and had 4 kids. The way she left him is totally disgusting. Worst of the worst. I’m assuming my dad thought life was over. He married my step mom who is my “mom” and it is the BEST thing that ever happened him. They’ve been married 40 years now. 40 great years. My dad flourished in life, business and as a person. I gained 2 step sisters and we became the Brady Bunch. My dad had custody thank god. We had an occasional your not my mom crap but it was all good. My real mother would have held him back. He wouldn’t be the man he is today. My real mother married the guy she ran away with. They have both died...I did have contact with her as kid, but hadn’t had any contact in the last 10 years. It was a bizarre situating. We got a call that she was dying in the hospital and I went. I went back to work after she passed.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro |
11 July 2019, 01:29 PM | #21 |
2024 Pledge Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Denver
Posts: 4,082
|
My divorce from my first wife was the second best decision I ever made.
My best decision was marrying my second wife. Sometimes two great people can make an awful couple. If thats the case I think you both may be happier, and better friends, apart.
__________________
Jason 116610 LN DateJust Pelagos FXD |
11 July 2019, 01:25 PM | #22 |
"TRF" Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Not 2 far from u
Posts: 3,457
|
Very difficult situation, Tom, and wish the best outcome for you. I’ve always said that living together long-term with another human being is the hardest thing we humans attempt in this life. So it’s not easy and give yourselves credit for trying hard, going to counseling, etc. Seek happiness at any cost.
__________________
Official Member "WIS-CON" Las Vegas International GTG 2017 Official Member "WIS-CON" Las Vegas International GTG 2018 |
11 July 2019, 01:36 PM | #23 |
2024 Pledge Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Real Name: David
Location: Gardnerville, NV
Watch: 16710
Posts: 2,582
|
I've had three cracks at marriage. So far the third time has worked quite well. We were friends and co workers for about 15 years before we took the plunge.
In my 63 years, I've found all partnerships require work. The total amount of work sometimes is not equal to each half. I'm not afraid of the work, and I don't mind the occasional inequity of the work. My line in the sand is when it's too much work just to stay in the same house and fight. Best of luck to you.
__________________
Current: 16710 Previous: 16760 Fat Lady, 16613 Bluesy, 16800, 14060, 16710 Pepsi, 216570 Polar, 116710LN, 16610, 216570 Polar (again), 16713, 216570 Polar (yet again), 16710 Black w/ Pepsi Insert Hope is not a strategy. |
11 July 2019, 02:15 PM | #24 |
"TRF" Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Real Name: Wayne
Location: California
Watch: Rolex, PAM
Posts: 3,302
|
That is a bad position to be in. I’m on my second marriage and all is good. My first ended after dealing with what you described.
I agree with the life is short idea. If you feel like you have done everything you can then it may be time to separate. How does she feel about divorce? Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk |
11 July 2019, 02:26 PM | #25 |
2024 Pledge Member
Join Date: May 2012
Real Name: Paul
Location: Tucson, Az
Watch: Rolex 1501
Posts: 13,150
|
Not an encouraging first sentence.
__________________
Ain't much of a crime, whacking a surly bartender |
11 July 2019, 02:27 PM | #26 |
"TRF" Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Real Name: gus
Location: East Coast
Watch: APK & sometimes Y
Posts: 25,958
|
the most significant thing I have identified is this,
Are you still communicating? If either of you has gotten to the point of disregard for the others feelings or opinions then in my experience this is the point of no return. If you are not there then options are still available, one of which could be time away to reflect on what it is that is missing and what is important and hopefully how to prioritize those things together. Never easy but time is known to heal.
__________________
|
12 July 2019, 12:11 AM | #27 | |
2024 Pledge Member
Join Date: May 2012
Real Name: Jim
Location: Westchester NY
Watch: 116500 116518LN
Posts: 5,869
|
Quote:
I wish you luck. Communication is the key. Expressing ones feelings and an acknowledgement of them by the other party is where it all starts. If the lines of communication are open - keep them open and work towards a mutual understanding on each others needs. Life is too short to argue every day about everything. Why is that happening? Does she acknowledge it? Does she address it? Are you part of the problem? Anything you can do to minimize the arguing? Besides counseling are you doing everything possible on your end to calm the storm? Do you both pick and choose your battles?
__________________
Remember what matters. Value everyday |
|
15 July 2019, 05:37 AM | #28 | ||
"TRF" Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Real Name: DM
Location: USA
Watch: DD-YG/DJ/Breitling
Posts: 8,795
|
Quote:
In the end, my Dad passed away in his 70's from metastatic cancer, and so very unhappy. They never did divorce, but the relationship was tense up to approximately six months before his death. Quote:
- - - - My humble thoughts are about some things that could lend to harmony and bond-healing: (my personal experience here) - little sticky notes with thoughtful/complimentary short messages, left to be found in surprise places... ie. on favorite coffee cup, tooth brush - the first-thing-in-the-morning things your lady touches that will bring a smile - a hand written, mailed letter - nothing negative, outlining the best memories and hopes for future - time out and counting: when a hot topic that you feel is sure to erupt into discord, without another word, immediately call a timeout and count to a number (eg: 30, or 50) that will cool the temper and potential, harsh responses. We used this approach frequently in my last job for patients to calm down before they said or did something they would regret. This approach could be outlined in a written contract - don't laugh, it works more than you think. - volunteer your time together at pet rescues, nursing homes, soup kitchens, etc.: these volunteering experiences are very sobering and can make one evaluate what the important things in life really are about. - dates to places that brought you joy and happiness in the past. - faith: worship together Regardless how your future evolves, I wish you the best and hope that all the kind and caring messages from the TRF members, some of which were quite heart-felt, interesting and educational, will give you some "steering" in this critical phase of your life going forward. Indeed, I agree with you: TRF is a great, cyber place of some special people who are so willing to help with positive suggestions! Best regards, and Blessings, DM
__________________
. People of integrity expect to be believed and when they are not they let time prove them right. A best friend is like a four leaf clover - hard to find and lucky to have. SJP |
||
15 July 2019, 06:06 AM | #29 |
2024 Pledge Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Real Name: Tom
Location: Mandeville La
Watch: 16610M
Posts: 10,445
|
[QUOTE=BBL;9809670]Tom: I truly feel sad for you and your lady. Actually, what you described brings flashbacks about my own parents. So many reasons they drifted apart and I remember, even in elementary school, the pain and guilt I felt as the eldest child that I couldn't make them understand how it was affecting us.
In the end, my Dad passed away in his 70's from metastatic cancer, and so very unhappy. They never did divorce, but the relationship was tense up to approximately six months before his death. Tom, I agree with Gus. - - - - My humble thoughts are about some things that could lend to harmony and bond-healing: (my personal experience here) - little sticky notes with thoughtful/complimentary short messages, left to be found in surprise places... ie. on favorite coffee cup, tooth brush - the first-thing-in-the-morning things your lady touches that will bring a smile - a hand written, mailed letter - nothing negative, outlining the best memories and hopes for future - time out and counting: when a hot topic that you feel is sure to erupt into discord, without another word, immediately call a timeout and count to a number (eg: 30, or 50) that will cool the temper and potential, harsh responses. We used this approach frequently in my last job for patients to calm down before they said or did something they would regret. This approach could be outlined in a written contract - don't laugh, it works more than you think. - volunteer your time together at pet rescues, nursing homes, soup kitchens, etc.: these volunteering experiences are very sobering and can make one evaluate what the important things in life really are about. - dates to places that brought you joy and happiness in the past. - faith: worship together Regardless how your future evolves, I wish you the best and hope that all the kind and caring messages from the TRF members, some of which were quite heart-felt, interesting and educational, will give you some "steering" in this critical phase of your life going forward. Indeed, I agree with you: TRF is a great, cyber place of some special people who are so willing to help with positive suggestions! Best regards, and Blessings, DM [/QUOTE I am overwhelmed at the support here, thanks Daniel, Carlos, and everyone. |
11 July 2019, 03:47 PM | #30 |
"TRF" Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: Earth
Watch: 126619LB and more
Posts: 5,207
|
First, I hope whatever path your relationship takes, I wish you both end up in a happy space.
My 2 cents is to try to understand why you argue. The things that usually break up marriages like the infidelities are not an issue. Are the arguments really about something between the two of you or are they a response to other stresses and you each become each other’s outlet for venting anger ? If that’s the case and you still love each other, you can address those stresses and triggers and restore happiness. If the arguments are really about things between the two of you that for whatever reason have become worthy of arguing about, it might be time to start moving to amiably split or begin the divorce proceedings. Good luck sorting it out. |
Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests) | |
Thread Tools | |
Display Modes | |
|
|
*Banners
Of The Month*
This space is provided to horological resources.