Sensitive subject.. (divorce?)

[Star Ferry]

Originally Posted by Blansky

Married men live longer than single men.

Single women live longer than married women

all depends on how they define single.. generally they count women who outlive their husbands as single, which really tells us little since most married women outlive their husbands. So "married women die earlier" refers only to "the minority of married women who die before their husbands"

Men who make more money are more marriageable, so again, tells us little, since we know wealthier people live longer.

This statistic gets tossed around to show how men apparently shorten their wives' lifespans, while their wives lengthen their lives. yet it doesn't hold up to scrutiny

[Etschell]

Originally Posted by THC

Many many great replies / advice, thanks everyone. Not sure what we are going to do yet, but the talks are on going. I try, most of the times, to simply say ok to whatever topic so as to not make a silly argument worse.

I would advise you not to do so. The sad reality is it takes two people to get married and one to get divorced. Depending on your issues you may consider a post nuptial agreement if you dont have a prenuptial for the financial aspects. If it isnt the financial aspect causing discord counseling can help. Worst case scenario is divorce but ultimately that can be better in the future.

Just remember this - no one is perfect and no relationship is. If she doesn't get this you will have a hard time reconciling to the point you want to stay together

Good luck. If you need anything further PM me.

I am by no means an expert in relationships but I do see people go through divorce every day.

[Etschell]

Originally Posted by Blansky

Married men live longer than single men.

Single women live longer than married women

Simple solution for men is to get a roommate

[Star Ferry]

one thing I'd add is separation from a long term partner, even one who makes you miserable, is very painful. there may be greater happiness down the road but at least the first few months you'll feel worse. sort of like quitting smoking.

[Etschell]

Originally Posted by Star Ferry

one thing I'd add is separation from a long term partner, even one who makes you miserable, is very painful. there may be greater happiness down the road but at least the first few months you'll feel worse. sort of like quitting smoking.

Usually takes at least a year post resolution. Never make major life decisions in the year after divorce including remarriage. Just my two cents.

[timedate]

Originally Posted by Star Ferry

all depends on how they define single.. generally they count women who outlive their husbands as single, which really tells us little since most married women outlive their husbands. So "married women die earlier" refers only to "the minority of married women who die before their husbands"

Men who make more money are more marriageable, so again, tells us little, since we know wealthier people live longer.

This statistic gets tossed around to show how men apparently shorten their wives' lifespans, while their wives lengthen their lives. yet it doesn't hold up to scrutiny

'men who make more money are more marriageable', but i thought it was all about love, lol.

[MinMay]

Just do it. 90% of my friends are divorce now. And they are such much happier than before.

And one of them decided to make it work after 10 more years of hell he decided to get a divorce now hahah. He wasted 10 years of his life being miserable.

[timedate]

Originally Posted by MinMay

Just do it. 90% of my friends are divorce now. And they are such much happier than before.

And one of them decided to make it work after 10 more years of hell he decided to get a divorce now hahah. He wasted 10 years of his life being miserable.

maybe he had children and felt a duty

[GradyPhilpott]

One thing I have noticed in my lifetime is that by the time people get to the point of asking for advice about major decisions is that in their heart of hearts they already know the course that needs to be taken. They just need the validation to go ahead.

Usually, just listening and asking enough questions to make sense of the problem is all it takes to have those seeking advice to order their thoughts sufficiently so as to arrive at their own decisions without coercion.

[timedate]

Originally Posted by GradyPhilpott

One thing I have noticed in my lifetime is that by the time people get to the point of asking for advice about major decisions is that in their heart of hearts they already know the course that needs to be taken. They just need the validation to go ahead.

Usually, just listening and asking enough questions to make sense of the problem is all it takes to have those seeking advice to order their thoughts sufficiently so as to arrive at their own decisions without coercion.

people instinctively know when something isnt right, and its no good suppressing it.

[THC]

Thanks Eliot, Grady, and everyone // what a great forum this is

[BLACKHORSE 6]

I can only say what has worked for my wife and me.

We try to both give of ourselves as much as possible, no matter the cost. We both place each other’s needs above our own for the sake of the other partner. Somehow, we’ve been able to forge a partnership that has lasted and grown stronger through some very difficult times.

I have to give props to my wife. She put up with three year-long deployments to the Middle East during the years I was in the Army, and has now put her career on hold to be at home with the kids while they’re young. She’s supported me in my career, allowing me to travel for work extensively while also getting a master’s degree. She’s amazing.

Give of yourself to her and your relationship until it hurts. That way you’ll have a clear conscience if it doesn’t work.

Best of luck.

[JTL31]

Originally Posted by GradyPhilpott

One thing I have noticed in my lifetime is that by the time people get to the point of asking for advice about major decisions is that in their heart of hearts they already know the course that needs to be taken. They just need the validation to go ahead..

^ This

I knew it was time to divorce when I realized I’d miss two retiring colleagues on a daily basis more than I would miss my husband. Thankfully we are friendly enough towards each other and have a healthier relationship that our daughter is thriving.

Wishing you the best whatever your decision may be!

[RW16610]

I'm very sorry to hear this, Tom. I've got no actual suggestion or advise but certainly hoping for happier days ahead on your end, regardless.

[Blansky]

Originally Posted by Star Ferry

all depends on how they define single.. generally they count women who outlive their husbands as single, which really tells us little since most married women outlive their husbands. So "married women die earlier" refers only to "the minority of married women who die before their husbands"

Men who make more money are more marriageable, so again, tells us little, since we know wealthier people live longer.

This statistic gets tossed around to show how men apparently shorten their wives' lifespans, while their wives lengthen their lives. yet it doesn't hold up to scrutiny

Very little in life holds up to scrutiny.

[Blansky]

One thing touched upon here by a couple of people is retirement, and menopause.

Menopause for some women is a breeze, and for others their entire body and mind go out of whack. Seriously out of whack. And that can take years for it to recover usually needing various hormone treatments and regimens.

Men, usually men, who retire often go through a tough time because in some cases their entire manhood was tied into their career, their power, and their earning ability. And now they have a whole lot of time on their hands and are completely lost.

In both these cases marriages can be stressed beyond recovery.

[AK797]

Originally Posted by THC

Many many great replies / advice, thanks everyone. Not sure what we are going to do yet, but the talks are on going. I try, most of the times, to simply say ok to whatever topic so as to not make a silly argument worse.

I think when you are feeling for lack of a better word oppressed or silenced, you should probably leave, I know when the shoe is on the other foot and men verbally dominate women it looks very abusive and controlling and most would say to her to get out asap. You will have to decide if you are being diplomatic and really keeping the peace, or just helping her to make a desolation.

[ashbaug2]

Originally Posted by Tonks

Buy and read Hold Me Tight by Sue Johnson. Pay attention to what she says about the pursuer/distancer dialogue.

You say you’ve done counseling—has it been with only one counselor? What treatment modality was she using? Therapists are like shoes. The first one you try may not be a good fit, and that can be super painful, especially when you have invested time, trust, and money. Consider trying another. Sue Johnson (author of above book) practices Emotionally Focused therapy (EFT). There are many EFT practitioners around and you can probably find one in your area.

I’m a big fan of that modality because it teaches you to recognize the argument as the enemy, not each other. It also teaches you about the cycle that your relationship tends to fal into and how to recognize it and avoid it.

It sounds like you may have some pursuer/distancer cycle going on, where your wife is pursuing your attention (albeit in ways that sound nagging or critical). This makes you want to withdraw. This may be your cycle.

This sounds interesting, I might pick it up and read it. Like the OP, I am dealing with very, very similar issues with my wife. We've read and are working on the Seven Principles by John Gottman. I recognize a lot of the things he discusses; the concept of pursuer/distancer sounds very accurate, as Gottman would call it "flooding" and "stonewalling" (I'm a stonewaller/distancer).

OP, as someone who's contemplating the same situation and course of action, I sympathize. I love my wife, but sometimes it's a lot of work just to go home and fight. And no matter what, I'm the bad guy. It's demoralizing and draining.

[ashbaug2]

Originally Posted by THC

Many many great replies / advice, thanks everyone. Not sure what we are going to do yet, but the talks are on going. I try, most of the times, to simply say ok to whatever topic so as to not make a silly argument worse.

I'm definitely the opposite. I was tired of getting shot down and verbally ram-rodded over anything and everything.
- I try doing something nice but she doesn't like it? I'm an @$$hole for not knowing what she'd like.
- I don't try hard enough for her liking? I'm an @$$hole for not caring.
- I make plans for us to go out and do something nice? She doesn't want to go out or get dressed up for it. And I'm an @$$hole.
- I don't make plans after being shot down so many times and told my plans suck? I'm an @$$hole for not trying anymore.

Kind of a lose-lose for me, and I got tired of being the scapegoat for her frustrations. I started resenting her and our relationship, so I began sticking up for myself. Didn't really work, either, as now when I defend myself, I'm "being defensive and not trying to find a solution."

I guess what I'm saying is that even if we are still arguing as much (or more...) I feel better about myself and my situation because I'm not rolling over and taking the unfairness. I found it just led to her belief that I was actually an @$$hole... and didn't solve the fight any better.

[Fleetlord]

Familiarity breeds contempt.

As time goes by respect for each other goes out the window. Arguments get nastier and more personal as knowledge about a spouses shortcomings or issues become weapons to be used against each other. It's human nature...in fact I'm surprised there aren't even more divorces!

[THC]

since my Wed post, her and I have had a lot of really good talks and interactions. We are standing pat, for now, but I cannot express my gratitude to everyone here. All advise was welcomed and I read every word everyone wrote.

What a wonderful place

[Bearxj86]

I'm going to say this because it is true for me, my brother, and my friends and I.

"Men marry women hoping they never change but they do. Women marry men hoping they change but they never do".

I've had ups and very bad downs in my marriage. What has worked more than other things is for me not seek to win and argue and be dominant, but to listen, to change, and to give. With women my limited experience has told me that you can never really win an argument emotionally because winning hurts their feelings and they never ever forget. There's nothing wrong with shutting the F*&^ up and understanding that love is patient and it is kind - don't let your ego get in the way.

[ashbaug2]

Originally Posted by bearxj86

I'm going to say this because it is true for me, my brother, and my friends and I.

"Men marry women hoping they never change but they do. Women marry men hoping they change but they never do".

I've had ups and very bad downs in my marriage. What has worked more than other things is for me not seek to win and argue and be dominant, but to listen, to change, and to give. With women my limited experience has told me that you can never really win an argument emotionally because winning hurts their feelings and they never ever forget. There's nothing wrong with shutting the F*&^ up and understanding that love is patient and it is kind - don't let your ego get in the way.

I agree with everything except the statement in bold, and even then I'm on the fence. I agree that fighting just to "win" an argument is hurtful and counterproductive; I also disagree that always shutting up and just "taking it" is counterproductive in the other way and leads to resentment and dissatisfaction.

OP, I'm sincerely glad you guys have come to find a way to talk about things. I hope it lasts and you guys can permanently resolve the issues at hand.

[Star Ferry]

Originally Posted by Blansky

Very little in life holds up to scrutiny.

Agreed, especially your posts

[Vaxe]

Have to say you only live once, gotta make it count but the grass is not always greener.
Only you will know what’s right. Good luck!

[Flyinghunter]

Originally Posted by THC

since my Wed post, her and I have had a lot of really good talks and interactions. We are standing pat, for now, but I cannot express my gratitude to everyone here. All advise was welcomed and I read every word everyone wrote.

What a wonderful place

May happiness be your reward. Best wishes.

[THC]

Originally Posted by Flyinghunter

May happiness be your reward. Best wishes.

Thanks sir, love the Shepherd

[Etschell]

Great news. You really just have to voice your opinion. Avoiding conflict in any relationship, personal, business or romantic, is not productive ultimately.

[CalSRQ1]

Originally Posted by GradyPhilpott

One thing I have noticed in my lifetime is that by the time people get to the point of asking for advice about major decisions is that in their heart of hearts they already know the course that needs to be taken. They just need the validation to go ahead.

Usually, just listening and asking enough questions to make sense of the problem is all it takes to have those seeking advice to order their thoughts sufficiently so as to arrive at their own decisions without coercion.

That’s Wisdom right here

[Merkaholic]

I saw this thread the other day and felt sympathy but yet worried for both of you. I am glad you have cleared the air.

Advice i was given by a very wise gentleman.

1. Remain silent if the mind is not balanced.

2. Never make a decision in anger.

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