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Old 13 July 2019, 04:00 PM   #91
timedate
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my brother, on his third marriage, started again at 50, i salute him, he was treated like a pos, yet ploughed on with all the inflated divorce payments, he was only ever kind really, the first former wife owns 3 properties outright, he has 90 per cent mortgage, with 20 years to go.

Be careful with marriage, look at the legalities, decide if you believe that it's an equal arrangement, act with the facts, not the romance.
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Old 13 July 2019, 04:15 PM   #92
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Will pray for you.

Lots of great advice already.

If you dont like any of those given, buy her a rolex. And see where it goes.
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Old 13 July 2019, 09:52 PM   #93
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Familiarity breeds contempt.

As time goes by respect for each other goes out the window. Arguments get nastier and more personal as knowledge about a spouses shortcomings or issues become weapons to be used against each other. It's human nature...in fact I'm surprised there aren't even more divorces!
It's already going this way, and many younger people already hold this view, that marriage will become a ten or five year contract, and that people will be getting married 2/3 times as a norm in future. Hollywood already shows that when you have unlimited choices and finances, marriages rarely last more than a 5-10 year stretch. This was even true in the 50s when Divorce was a much more shameful thing.
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Old 13 July 2019, 09:58 PM   #94
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Will pray for you.

Lots of great advice already.

If you dont like any of those given, buy her a rolex. And see where it goes.
thanks, but she had two already when we married. She is into handbags and I have given her 3 Louie’s already

Serious thanks to all once again
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Old 13 July 2019, 10:13 PM   #95
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i am hearing this line quite a lot lately, 'a woman never actually loves you, she just loves what you can get her, and how you make her feel', its not malicious or planned, its just purely biological in a female, and when you see this and understand this, you dont have to feel bad about things and take it personally, and knowing this means you are forewarned,

The other line i am hearing is, 'she was never yours, it was just your turn' or 'they are like little children, so treat them like children'

Make of them what you want, they were not my lines.
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Old 14 July 2019, 12:25 AM   #96
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thanks, but she had two already when we married. She is into handbags and I have given her 3 Louie’s already

Serious thanks to all once again
Ah ha… that’s where you went wrong. Treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen!
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Old 14 July 2019, 12:44 AM   #97
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fleetlord View Post
Familiarity breeds contempt.

As time goes by respect for each other goes out the window. Arguments get nastier and more personal as knowledge about a spouses shortcomings or issues become weapons to be used against each other. It's human nature...in fact I'm surprised there aren't even more divorces!
I think this reasoning, in part, is true. But I also believe that people change as they grow older, and as they change, so do their needs. So, a marriage that worked for both at one point in life may no longer meet the spousal needs years later. A marriage needs to evolve - to adapt, and grow; otherwise, the chance for success and longevity decreases.

I also believe that while a marriage is a union of two people, each needs to feel comfortable to exercise their own independence; to have their own friends, own interests; own goals. If there exists a sense that the spouses must do everything together, I do believe the “familiarity that breeds contempt” becomes more likely.
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Old 14 July 2019, 12:47 AM   #98
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At the risk of sounding jaded, here goes. It takes two to get married and one to get divorced. First marriages fail at over 50%, second and so on fail at a higher rate than that. If I didn't want children, there would have been no way in hell I would have got remarried. And please don't anyone tell me that you don't have to be married to have kids. Stats show overwhelmingly that children do much better with an intact family, ie husband and wife. Single moms have the highest rate of horrific problems with the children, especially boys. Had I had children with the ex, I would have stuck it out until they were grown. Remarriage with step kids involved creates a special set of problems, no thank you. The male will always be on the far back burner to her kids, and rarely can do anything right (except pay the bills). Then later in life comes the monetary issues when one spouse dies and there is a new mom and step kids involved. An extremely complicated institution.
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Old 14 July 2019, 12:50 AM   #99
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Threads like these are the reason I will never, ever get married. I see my married co workers and friends and they spend all their money on their wives and kids only to get divorced and then they pay her child support and alimony while she gets pounded by another guy. If you want female companionship you can easily "Rent" it at tinder, plenty of fish or other dating apps. Its a lot less expensive compared to when she takes your house, half of your 401k and you only get to see your kids on the weekends.
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Old 14 July 2019, 12:53 AM   #100
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When couples are later in years and they argue every day, about everything, every day, when does one call time of death on a marriage?

Neither one of us are bad people, we both love each other’s kids. Fidelity is not an issue. She has grandkids that I adore, and she is great with my adult children. We both make a comfortable living and we got married 12 years ago, but have no kids together, biologically.



Counseling has been tried, please know, not looking for any wanderlust or mid life crisis, but just want a simple easy life with zero drama.



Cannot hurt to get advice from total strangers, right?



Thanks TRF family


Buy, read, and study any John Gottman book. You’ve invested enough energy so far that a little more investment is worth the effort. Good luck.


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Old 14 July 2019, 01:03 AM   #101
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i am hearing this line quite a lot lately, 'a woman never actually loves you, she just loves what you can get her, and how you make her feel', its not malicious or planned, its just purely biological in a female, and when you see this and understand this, you dont have to feel bad about things and take it personally, and knowing this means you are forewarned,

The other line i am hearing is, 'she was never yours, it was just your turn' or 'they are like little children, so treat them like children'

Make of them what you want, they were not my lines.


Not true, at least not true in the absolute sense that is being implied. Just look at all the cases where the man looses his job, has financial misfortune, etc. and the wife stays with him and supports the family. Happens all the time.


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Old 14 July 2019, 01:05 AM   #102
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Over my young years of seeing marriages that have ended (friends and family) a general problem that kept cropping up was lack of compromise and being stubborn for no particular reason. If these 2 issues can be curtailed im sure many marriages can be saved. By no means am I saying these are the only root causes, im sure there are other notions but from what I have observed these seem to be the main issues.

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Old 14 July 2019, 01:15 AM   #103
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Over my young years of seeing marriages that have ended (friends and family) a general problem that kept cropping up was lack of compromise and being stubborn for no particular reason. If these 2 issues can be curtailed im sure many marriages can be saved. By no means am I saying these are the only root causes, im sure there are other notions but from what I have observed these seem to be the main issues.

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Compromise is indeed the key and foundation to any relationship , but it does take both people to so
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Old 14 July 2019, 02:22 AM   #104
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Not true, at least not true in the absolute sense that is being implied. Just look at all the cases where the man looses his job, has financial misfortune, etc. and the wife stays with him and supports the family. Happens all the time.


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Agree
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Old 14 July 2019, 02:29 AM   #105
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Not true, at least not true in the absolute sense that is being implied. Just look at all the cases where the man looses his job, has financial misfortune, etc. and the wife stays with him and supports the family. Happens all the time.


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as i say. i just read them, what you are saying sounds believable
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Old 14 July 2019, 02:29 AM   #106
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Agree
Yup, happened to me when I was younger and she stayed right through until things got better, still laugh about to this day, love is such a delicate thing to have and Ives never understood it, but if you have this connection with someone, do whatever you have to do to make it work.
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Old 14 July 2019, 02:44 AM   #107
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Yup, happened to me when I was younger and she stayed right through until things got better, still laugh about to this day, love is such a delicate thing to have and Ives never understood it, but if you have this connection with someone, do whatever you have to do to make it work.


Exactly! Which is where reading a Gottman book will help. Love and courtship is not something you do just once, at the beginning of a relationship. You have to do it all the time. Courtship should never end. That’s the key. Ask anyone who’s lost his marriage, continued effort around courtship surely was not happening.


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Old 14 July 2019, 05:10 AM   #108
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Been through it.

I wish I could have given it one more chance. I think both her and I gave up too soon and now there is a 6 year old innocent bystander caught in the crossfire.

Things are improving but I know I could have walked away from arguments or simply could have tried to compromise on many things.

No point in crying over spilled milk.

I would take a moment to ask yourself if you’re the cause of these arguments or if they’re the byproduct of your lack of interest. If the answer is yes, perhaps there is still hope because you have the solution in your hands.

If the issues are much bigger... that’s a whole different story.

But one thing I know is this : Life is too short to be miserable and we were put on this earth to seek happiness.


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Old 14 July 2019, 08:11 AM   #109
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Divorce even in the best term is not a cost-free-solution, the kids in a way will feel the affects/aftershocks, financially you may take a big hit too so sometimes it's cheaper to keep.

On the positive side, it's nice to start over if you're young enough to go out and meet new mates. And of course the freedom to whatever you want.

Hope you the best that you'll find peace and love again.
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Old 15 July 2019, 05:37 AM   #110
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Quote:
Originally Posted by THC View Post
When couples are later in years and they argue every day, about everything, every day, when does one call time of death on a marriage?
Neither one of us are bad people, we both love each other’s kids. Fidelity is not an issue. She has grandkids that I adore, and she is great with my adult children. We both make a comfortable living and we got married 12 years ago, but have no kids together, biologically.

Counseling has been tried, please know, not looking for any wanderlust or mid life crisis, but just want a simple easy life with zero drama.

Cannot hurt to get advice from total strangers, right?

Thanks TRF family
Tom: I truly feel sad for you and your lady. Actually, what you described brings flashbacks about my own parents. So many reasons they drifted apart and I remember, even in elementary school, the pain and guilt I felt as the eldest child that I couldn't make them understand how it was affecting us.

In the end, my Dad passed away in his 70's from metastatic cancer, and so very unhappy. They never did divorce, but the relationship was tense up to approximately six months before his death.

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the most significant thing I have identified is this,

Are you still communicating? If either of you has gotten to the point of disregard for the others feelings or opinions then in my experience this is the point of no return.

If you are not there then options are still available, one of which could be time away to reflect on what it is that is missing and what is important and hopefully how to prioritize those things together.

Never easy but time is known to heal.
Tom, I agree with Gus.

- - - -

My humble thoughts are about some things that could lend to harmony and bond-healing: (my personal experience here)

- little sticky notes with thoughtful/complimentary short messages, left to be found in surprise places... ie. on favorite coffee cup, tooth brush - the first-thing-in-the-morning things your lady touches that will bring a smile

- a hand written, mailed letter - nothing negative, outlining the best memories and hopes for future

- time out and counting: when a hot topic that you feel is sure to erupt into discord, without another word, immediately call a timeout and count to a number (eg: 30, or 50) that will cool the temper and potential, harsh responses. We used this approach frequently in my last job for patients to calm down before they said or did something they would regret. This approach could be outlined in a written contract - don't laugh, it works more than you think.

- volunteer your time together at pet rescues, nursing homes, soup kitchens, etc.: these volunteering experiences are very sobering and can make one evaluate what the important things in life really are about.

- dates to places that brought you joy and happiness in the past.
- faith: worship together

Regardless how your future evolves, I wish you the best and hope that all the kind and caring messages from the TRF members, some of which were quite heart-felt, interesting and educational, will give you some "steering" in this critical phase of your life going forward.

Indeed, I agree with you: TRF is a great, cyber place of some special people who are so willing to help with positive suggestions!

Best regards, and
Blessings,
DM
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Old 15 July 2019, 06:06 AM   #111
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[QUOTE=BBL;9809670]Tom: I truly feel sad for you and your lady. Actually, what you described brings flashbacks about my own parents. So many reasons they drifted apart and I remember, even in elementary school, the pain and guilt I felt as the eldest child that I couldn't make them understand how it was affecting us.

In the end, my Dad passed away in his 70's from metastatic cancer, and so very unhappy. They never did divorce, but the relationship was tense up to approximately six months before his death.



Tom, I agree with Gus.

- - - -

My humble thoughts are about some things that could lend to harmony and bond-healing: (my personal experience here)

- little sticky notes with thoughtful/complimentary short messages, left to be found in surprise places... ie. on favorite coffee cup, tooth brush - the first-thing-in-the-morning things your lady touches that will bring a smile

- a hand written, mailed letter - nothing negative, outlining the best memories and hopes for future

- time out and counting: when a hot topic that you feel is sure to erupt into discord, without another word, immediately call a timeout and count to a number (eg: 30, or 50) that will cool the temper and potential, harsh responses. We used this approach frequently in my last job for patients to calm down before they said or did something they would regret. This approach could be outlined in a written contract - don't laugh, it works more than you think.

- volunteer your time together at pet rescues, nursing homes, soup kitchens, etc.: these volunteering experiences are very sobering and can make one evaluate what the important things in life really are about.

- dates to places that brought you joy and happiness in the past.
- faith: worship together

Regardless how your future evolves, I wish you the best and hope that all the kind and caring messages from the TRF members, some of which were quite heart-felt, interesting and educational, will give you some "steering" in this critical phase of your life going forward.

Indeed, I agree with you: TRF is a great, cyber place of some special people who are so willing to help with positive suggestions!

Best regards, and
Blessings,
DM
[/QUOTE

I am overwhelmed at the support here, thanks Daniel, Carlos, and everyone.
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