Life Question: How to Raise Your Children When You're Well-off?

[austinp]

Just make sure your kids know they are loved. The way they turn out is up to them.

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[LandWatch]

Originally Posted by DLRIDES

Something I forgot to mention is college, as related to paying for such. I prefer to find/interpret data to the best of my ability instead of listening to feelings based opinions. Several studies have shown that when parents pay for college, children’s grade performance (along with alcohol/drug use) is significantly worse than those who pay for their own ! But, life success thereafter is subjective due to wealthier parents having influence in the job market and arranging/giving jobs to their offspring.

IMO, make them work hard and pay for their own. College is not a universal requirement for success. Some do better in technical fields through trade schools. I have manufacturing customers that pay their highly skilled maintenance technicians more than plant managers !

Agree with this approach.

I paid for my children’s school education up to the age of 18 (obviously! .. I could hardly expect them to get a loan!).

But, they are taking out a student loan for university to help teach them the value of money, and to help them learn how to manage it. So far, it’s working very well! They seem tighter than I was at their age.

What I haven’t yet told them is, when they’re ready to pay off the loans, I’ll match them £ for £. I could easily cover the full amount, but again, paying off a loan efficiently is another valuable life lesson.

[Dan Pierce]

In high school my parents sat me down to tell me they figured out my college situation. They decided [I was not part of the discussion] I was going to college and I was going to pay for it.

Always been proud that it was my money I pi$$ed away instead of theirs.
dP

[DonRickles]

Give each little mooch a million bucks, see if they float or sink....

[kearez]

Originally Posted by HighlandWatch

Agree with this approach.

I paid for my children’s school education up to the age of 18 (obviously! .. I could hardly expect them to get a loan!).

But, they are taking out a student loan for university to help teach them the value of money, and to help them learn how to manage it. So far, it’s working very well! They seem tighter than I was at their age.

What I haven’t yet told them is, when they’re ready to pay off the loans, I’ll match them £ for £. I could easily cover the full amount, but again, paying off a loan efficiently is another valuable life lesson.

Best one out of the thread so far. Doesn’t put them into the working world with too much of a handicap.

[Blansky]

In my opinion the most important thing a parent can do is help to build both character and empathy in their children.

How you do that with every child is probably different to some extent.

But so easy to spot the people that have never developed either.

[LandWatch]

Originally Posted by HighlandWatch

Agree with this approach.

I paid for my children’s school education up to the age of 18 (obviously! .. I could hardly expect them to get a loan!).

But, they are taking out a student loan for university to help teach them the value of money, and to help them learn how to manage it. So far, it’s working very well! They seem tighter than I was at their age.

What I haven’t yet told them is, when they’re ready to pay off the loans, I’ll match them £ for £. I could easily cover the full amount, but again, paying off a loan efficiently is another valuable life lesson.

Should also add, both my kids had holiday jobs when possible and they did voluntary work through their schools. They got to work with more of a cross section of society, which was so valuable.

I was also sparing with pocket money, we set clear boundaries, particularly with mobile phones, computers and gaming.

[enjoythemusic]

Do what my parents did, kick 'em out of the house and make 'em fend for themselves. They need to figure out how to work and pay for rent, food bills, water/electricity, etc. They MUST experience the 'real world' to fully grasp reality imho, plus it builds character and life experience. Tough love they call it. Hated it at the time as a teen / early 20s, in hindsight they did the right thing and respect their efforts / will to not give in and allow me / them to be co-dependant.

[brandrea]

Originally Posted by daveathall

Luxury.

[brandrea]

Originally Posted by Dan Pierce

In high school my parents sat me down to tell me they figured out my college situation. They decided [I was not part of the discussion] I was going to college and I was going to pay for it.

Always been proud that it was my money I pi$$ed away instead of theirs.
dP

Your parents sound a lot like mine. My guess is that growing up during the depression years shaped how they view things. My parents were farmers as well, so there was very little idle time as a kid growing up.

[pickettt]

Originally Posted by enjoythemusic

Do what my parents did, kick 'em out of the house and make 'em fend for themselves. They need to figure out how to work and pay for rent, food bills, water/electricity, etc. They MUST experience the 'real world' to fully grasp reality imho, plus it builds character and life experience. Tough love they call it. Hated it at the time as a teen / early 20s, in hindsight they did the right thing and respect their efforts / will to not give in and allow me / them to be co-dependant.

This is my plan, and I’m letting him know early.

[singe89]

Make your kids understand the value of a $ and how you have to work for it.

My father was a firefighter but worked as a roofing contractor on his days off. If I wasn't in school I was on a roof with him doing manual labor from about 10 years old. At 15 I was bagging groceries in the summer and working Christmas tree lots in the winter. Played 3 sports in HS and maintained a solid GPA because that was expected. Paid for my own car, gas and insurance at 16 and worked in college even though I was on scholarship for a portion of it. Graduated college and went back to school for my fire science degree while working full time. Decided to join a start up opportunity and the rest is history.

Around that time my father died on duty. My two younger brothers 17 and 15 at the time had never had a job and got a windfall of $ from my dads death benefit (I was over 18 so didn't get a penny). They went to school but didn't really try to graduate. The money eventually ran out and they moved back in with my retired mother and she provided EVERYTHING for them. at 29 and 27 they still have never had a job and still don't have a degree. I finally moved them out of my mom's house and put them in one of my condos for reduced rent but have to get jobs to pay for it. Not letting my mom pay their rent. Its going to be tough love from here on out.

People need to know what it is to work hard and provide for themselves. Each of my 3 kids have a trust fund and their college paid for but they wont know about it for a long long time. It already has major stipulations on it and ages when they can start getting $ (they can thank their uncles for that one ).

[Dan Pierce]

Originally Posted by brandrea

Your parents sound a lot like mine. My guess is that growing up during the depression years shaped how they view things. My parents were farmers as well, so there was very little idle time as a kid growing up.

Yep, sounds like it.

The best parenting practices start with leading by example. Mine not only talked the talk, but walked the walk. And I'm forever grateful.
dP

[twitch54]

I have two sons, both in their forties and both successful engineers. First and foremost IMO is to do your best to maintain the integrity of the 'family unit'. While their are plenty of great kids that come out of a broken home it is far more difficult.

[ruffa]

Originally Posted by Ny325

Humbleness, respectful, gratitude, sympathy, help when you can, laugh, smile, considerate of others, and always be kind is how I was raised. My family will always emphasize not hanging out with the wrong crowd, and stay away from drugs and alcohol. I came from a low income family, grew up in public housing, but we all had the same values. As we got older, some had kids. And the values are instilled in them now. We keep things simple. Family gatherings we all tease, and joke with each other. What I find most important, because of the times we live in. The little ones, and teenagers in my family are limited to the use of electronic devices. At family gatherings, cell phones are pretty much prohibited. What I find the common denominator to be is, that " Less is more." The best things in life are free. No fancy house, car, college degree, or affluent neighborhood could bring happiness. Happiness comes from within.

This is gold.

I agree with limiting cellphone/electronic use. I have a 2 year old and I realized that for kids, the deepest form of love is spending time with them. Just sit and play cars/dolls, let them wrestle you, go outside for a stroll. Electronics replace spending time with them personally and created a disconnect. Hug and kiss them, tell them you love them daily. That’s what they need—to grow up in a loving environment. I’m sure they’ll grow up to be kids you’re proud of. They don’t need to be spoiled with toys (although that’s harder said than done, speaking from experience). For my boy, going outside and just running around the house puts the biggest smile on his face. Not even nice toys make him as happy.

When they grow old enough to work, let them earn their own money and pay for their own bills. Help them financially only when they really need it.

I’m not experienced but I’ve been paying attention to my friends and families and how they raised their kids so I’ve took some notes to myself.

[Old Geezer]

IMO, values make the person. The caveat is that one's DNA and external influences can augment or short circuit what they've been taught. For example, even though someone knows they should not steal, murder, etc, may they still be predisposed or influenced to do so?

If a child of any socio economic status believes they are entitled, IMO they are doomed to fail. If parents demonstrate themselves and teach their children work ethic, accountability for their decisions, humbleness, care for others, integrity, etc there is a reasonable probability those attributes will be carried forward by their children into adulthood.

IMO, in a wealthy family there is absolutely nothing wrong with a kid working a part time job to learn responsibility, following norms, what it is to earn something and the gratification from achieving goals. Sure, buy the kid the BMW but at least instill in them some responsibility to pay for gas. Don't just toss them the keys to a new M4.

With everything we try to do for our kids to set them up to have even better lives than our own, so much is going on in the world today that I'd be surprised if we were doing better than 50/50 raising awesome people but we have to keep trying. Faith and family are crucial to increase our odds.

[Blansky]

Originally Posted by Old Geezer

Sure, buy the kid the BMW but at least instill in them some responsibility to pay for gas. .

Really???

I almost choked when I read this. Wow.

[Burlington]

Our boy is still young. We won’t/don’t go overboard for birthday / Christmas as he gets everything he needs through the year.

When we both retire the plan is to be sufficiently well prepared that he won’t need his own income source beyond that. Will see what the future may bring though.

[mschafer]

Its usually the old money vs. new money. Old money keeps their head down, looking at the funds as just another thing to preserve for the next generation, while living a comfortable life while contributing to society, family business (or not) and being silently charitable. No or little bling, normal cars, sometimes a nicer watch, but not sweating buying a house or business class seat. That keeps the kids in line, out of the tabloids, and a contributing member of society. Then there's new money, spoil the kids, get a bigger boat, add residences: in this the scenario the kids expect everybody to jump just because they can buy bottle service at a club, got everything they ever wanted (GMT for Bar Mitzvah, Confirmation, getting through middle school, etc.). which usually yields in a fail at some point. Sometimes more obvious, sometimes much more subtle (divorces, alcohol, gambling, or just being unpleasant and snobbish).

[RJG]

I've got three kids... and since my divorce - they live with their Mom. I visit them quite a bit, so at least they have a father figure bugging them a few days a week.

Each one is very different from the other. They are all well mannered and are getting some excellent grades.

I wish I could have instilled in them a much stronger work ethic. A much more independant spirit, and some level of esprit d'corps with their classmates...sadly that hasn't happened yet.

I tell them I love them. I very rarely heard this from my own parents.

I tell them that - yes- there are rules in this world and they seem to crave structure, so I don't think any of them will end up in jail anytime soon.

They also have a decent moral compass...thus far.

We joke. We laugh. We give each other some level of hell if it's deserved. Hope they can get some thick skin from that. They will need it in this life, believe me.

None of these jokers came with any sort of user manual, so as a parent - yep - we all wing it as best we can.

My dad passed away in 2017 and my brother got his Submariner. Im not jealous ( really I'm not !) but I think my first Rolex will be the 116610 and that's going to be about 10% in his memory and 90% my own bling.

I hope my daughter will wear this on her graduation day - even if I have to get it resized.

[Dyim]

I keep reminding my kids what they are experiencing on a day to day basis is not normal, it is above average.

They are constantly reminded that they have to work really hard for the next 10-15-20 years, then they might be ‘set for life’.

[Old Geezer]

Originally Posted by Blansky

Really???

I almost choked when I read this. Wow.

Really, why ? It’s all relative. What’s the difference in whether you buy or help your kid buy a beater because that’s what you can afford or buy them a BMW because that’s where you are on the spectrum of wealth? Doesn’t mean you still can’t teach the rich kid some values like responsibility, accountability, value of money because they were gifted a nice car. Will the rich kid care less about his BMW than the poorer kid with a beater? If taught values, I don’t think so.

[Blansky]

Originally Posted by Old Geezer

Really, why ? It’s all relative. What’s the difference in whether you buy or help your kid buy a beater because that’s what you can afford or buy them a BMW because that’s where you are on the spectrum of wealth? Doesn’t mean you still can’t teach the rich kid some values like responsibility, accountability, value of money because they were gifted a nice car. Will the rich kid care less about his BMW than the poorer kid with a beater? If taught values, I don’t think so.

Or if you buy them a Tesla and make sure they have to put the electricity in.

OK Just kidding.

I was having a hard time of the teaching them values but giving them a new BMW. I must be out of the loop.

[enjoythemusic]

Originally Posted by pickettt

This is my plan, and I’m letting him know early.

Good for you! Give 'em a good grasp of day-to-day financing (if/as needed), a month or two worth of basic money supply (unless they have their own) and off they go. IMHO it's the best way as they need to learn about 'real life'.

[Old Geezer]

Originally Posted by Blansky

Or if you buy them a Tesla and make sure they have to put the electricity in.

OK Just kidding.

I was having a hard time of the teaching them values but giving them a new BMW. I must be out of the loop.

If my kid got a BMW from me they would think they got shortchanged because I’d be rolling a Veyron.

[Blansky]

Originally Posted by Old Geezer

If my kid got a BMW from me they would think they got shortchanged because I’d be rolling a Veyron.

All I gotta say is good for you.



Damn, I'm poor.

[pickettt]

Originally Posted by enjoythemusic

Good for you! Give 'em a good grasp of day-to-day financing (if/as needed), a month or two worth of basic money supply (unless they have their own) and off they go. IMHO it's the best way as they need to learn about 'real life'.

One night, we were sitting at dinner and I wasn’t eating (just not hungry). He asked why, and I told him we didn’t have enough money for all of three of us to eat, so he and mom could eat today and I’d eat with them tomorrow. First, he offered to share, which I refused. But the next day after school, he embarked on this......
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He insisted on buying dinner the next night. Which we accepted. The rest of the money he has saved....for rent that will be due in 11 years

[Old Geezer]

Originally Posted by Blansky

All I gotta say is good for you.
Damn, I'm poor.

I’m poor too. I assure you, no Veyron or BMW here. My kid got a 2 year old Honda Civic and she worked part time to pay for her gas and insurance.

[Blansky]

Originally Posted by Old Geezer

I’m poor too. I assure you, no Veyron or BMW here. My kid got a 2 year old Honda Civic and she worked part time to pay for her gas and insurance.

Good for you. Two things I really think kids need is one, to play team sports, and two is to do "service" jobs.

Kids are provided for so much, growing up, that it's so empowering and useful for them to "be of service" and help other people before they strike out on their own.

One thing is teaches them to help other people, and the other is that it teaches them that these kind of jobs are not necessarily what they want to do for a living. Get an education.

And if you have kids with wanderlust, enroll them in bartending school. You can do that job anywhere, anytime. Great for surf/ski bums, or travelers, while they figure out what they want to do with their lives.

[Dubshack]

Originally Posted by pickettt

One night, we were sitting at dinner and I wasn’t eating (just not hungry). He asked why, and I told him we didn’t have enough money for all of three of us to eat, so he and mom could eat today and I’d eat with them tomorrow. First, he offered to share, which I refused. But the next day after school, he embarked on this......
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He insisted on buying dinner the next night. Which we accepted. The rest of the money he has saved....for rent that will be due in 11 years

That is awesome.


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