advice on how to kick someone out of your house (nicely)?

[Rb10chris]

Hey all, so last year my wife's sister invited herself into our house after some arguing with her parents, we thought she was only going to stay a few days/weeks, ended up being almost a year now. There have been times where she tells us she's looking for a better paying job, taking interviews, and also looking for her own place (but she can barely afford it at the moment). She doesn't pay rent, doesn't help out around the house, just pretty much goes out to smoke, and then hides in her room all day.

Out of courtesy to my wife, I haven't straight up kicked her out yet, but I have told her that if she plans to stay any longer I'm going to charge her rent. Also telling her that moving back in with her parents is an option, but nothing we say can make anything happen. I feel like letting her stay here for free has enabled her to be lazy and not take action and make her own life better. What advice can you guys on here offer me in this situation?

[dddrees]

She’s an incredible burden on you, your wife, your marriage, your life, and your worried about her feelings?

[CDNWatchNut]

The only way to ask her to leave is firmly and without apology, but without being mean. It would be considerate to give her a time limit thats reasonable to find other accomodations, as long as its clear that the move out date is set in stone.

[daveathall]

Originally Posted by dddrees

She’s an incredible burden on you, your wife, your marriage, your life, and your worried about her feelings?

Summs it up perfectly.

[4vCoupe]

Is your wife on board with kicking her out? If she is then I don’t see a problem moving forward.


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[dddrees]

Simple

You and your wife give her a reasonable expectation as to when you want your her out, and short polite reason why, and stick to it.

[Star Ferry]

Since she's your wife's sister, I think your wife should tell her that she has 1 week to vacate.

Most likely this will mean moving back with her parents, finding a job, and eventually getting her own place.

[Dr.Brian]

I assume you don’t want her there even if she paid a fair rent, so set a reasonable date, perhaps 4 weeks, for her to be gone. Offer to help her move into the new place/back with her parents. Alternatively buy an investment condo and put her in it. With a real and enforced rental agreement.
One of my old partners ended up divorced after supporting a deadbeat sister in law and her bigger deadbeat husband. I told him instead of bailing them out all the time with their problems, just buy a condo and let them live in it. Then they won’t be at risk of being homeless with the kids which is what his wife worried about and was the excuse for the endless checks going out. Of course the divorce was caused by many things, but this was a serious sticking point for many years and cost him a small fortune. That was the straw that broke the camels back. His wife had given them much more than he knew about. She was basically paying all their expenses for years with money he thought she was putting into retirement accounts.

[Abdullah71601]

Originally Posted by dddrees

Simple

You and your wife give her a reasonable expectation as to when you want your her out, and short polite reason why, and stick to it.

Best advice.

No time like the present. Sit her down and set a departure date. Stay discipline amongst yourselves so that she will stay disciplined in her transition out of your house and into her own.

[DeeTee]

This is a wife and sister issue.
Get her to do it.

[tyler1980]

well, i have in-laws, and they are retired with nothing to do so i feel your pain.

Once we move back to the states and are even closer, i have already told my wife our house must have an upstairs garage apartment... problem solved. They are around but not physically inside my house and i dont have my wife mad at me for making them go home.

[Abdullah71601]

Originally Posted by tyler1980

well, i have in-laws, and they are retired with nothing to do so i feel your pain.

Once we move back to the states and are even closer, i have already told my wife our house must have an upstairs garage apartment... problem solved. They are around but not physically inside my house and i dont have my wife mad at me for making them go home.

You need to convert the carriage house into a mother in law house.

[Chewbacca]

Originally Posted by Rb10chris

Hey all, so last year my wife's sister invited herself into our house after some arguing with her parents, we thought she was only going to stay a few days/weeks, ended up being almost a year now. There have been times where she tells us she's looking for a better paying job, taking interviews, and also looking for her own place (but she can barely afford it at the moment). She doesn't pay rent, doesn't help out around the house, just pretty much goes out to smoke, and then hides in her room all day.

Out of courtesy to my wife, I haven't straight up kicked her out yet, but I have told her that if she plans to stay any longer I'm going to charge her rent. Also telling her that moving back in with her parents is an option, but nothing we say can make anything happen. I feel like letting her stay here for free has enabled her to be lazy and not take action and make her own life better. What advice can you guys on here offer me in this situation?

this isn't your problem.

your wife should know what bothers you by now, so she likely knows how you feel about her sister crashing.

this is an opportunity for you to get your wife, and her parents to take responsibility for their child/sibling's actions - or lack of.

but you should make it clear that unless they deal with it, you'll then be forced deal with it.

however,

if she looks like Charlize Theron, let her stay, start walking around in your underwear, and toss banana peels everywhere - your wife will kick her out yesterday, nicely.

[BBL]

Rb10chris
Just some considerations:

• Be cognizant of 'enabling' pitfalls
• Contract, signed, re daily responsibilities/duties while living at your home, with ultimatums.
• Without delay, sister needs to find/engage in other activities other than 'room alone' - mandatory volunteering at either senior center, soup kitchen, United Way (and included in contract)
• Wife to involve parents about situation
• Family counselling and/or sister's individual counselling - does she understand the impact she is imposing on those around her, and what her future will be like if she doesn't take an interest in her own welfare?
• Upgrade skills so she is more marketable: Orange Co: http://rop.ocde.us/ (financial programs to assist educational pursuit)
• Lovely date with your bride, get dressed up for a fancy dinner, discuss heartfelt feelings: stay strong with your marriage.

DM

Afterthought: If she has time to kill in her room, then she has time for a second job. (How many of us have had two or three jobs just to get ahead?)

[bdex75]

We had an unwanted mother in law guest for a while. If you and the wife are in the same page you need to put the intruder on a firm deadline. But you need to get her time to plan. Unless you are ok with her staying and paying rent.

You say she has looked at better jobs and had not taken one. Maybe she needs motivation to take one, like a deadline to have her own place.

I would sit her down and explain how you have been more than generous with your hospitality and at this point feel like you are being taken advantage of. She has 90 days to get her act together and find somewhere else to go. That should give her plenty of time to accept a new position, get settled and get a paycheck or few to put a deposit on a place. I would offer to help her move or pay movers, or even get her a housewarming gift of something she needs to furnish her new place.


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[Tools]

Which is better: your animosity towards her for overstaying a welcome and taking advantage of the situation, or her animosity towards you for telling her to find herself another place to live?

[DLRIDES]

You and wife are enabling not helping, she has to go ! Being a sister in law, it’s your wife’s responsibility to tell her.

Why does the free loader’s feelings matter to you ?

The sister in law needs to experience some hunger and hard times to change her life. As long as the family enables her, this IS the rest of her life.

[breitlings]

There may be some legal issues you need to jump through. It may not be simple if she doesn't want to leave and has established residency.

[AzPaul]

First off, you and the wife need to be on the same page. If you are, then and only then, move on from there.

[antbkny]

I’m not sure if a hard line approach is best. If it were me I would just have a heart to heart with her and get her to see herself from another perspective.

[run23]

First, get on the same page as your wife.

Second, you are doing her no favors by just letting her stay indefinitely. A year is more than enough time for you to have fulfilled your familial duty; now she is just taking advantage of you.

Give her adequate notice that she has to leave (4 weeks, or whatever is enough time). There is no being nice, but you can certainly do it in a compassionate way. If you are too worried about her feelings she will never leave, and eventually it will really strain your marriage, and your marriage is more important than sparing someone’s feelings who is taking advantage of you.

I’m someone that learned the hard way that being too nice can get you walked all over, especially when it comes to family. In the long run tough love is better, and again, you have already done more than enough here.

[Enicarman]

We teach people how to treat us. Your guest must feel you approve her presence because you did not set the parameters in the beginning. I agree with the poster who asks if you would prefer hating the guest to her hating you.
Let her hate you, you will feel better for it.

[locutus49]

Wisdom here

Originally Posted by Enicarman

We teach people how to treat us. Your guest must feel you approve her presence because you did not set the parameters in the beginning. I agree with the poster who asks if you would prefer hating the guest to her hating you.
Let her hate you, you will feel better for it.

[Bigblu10]

Originally Posted by breitlings

There may be some legal issues you need to jump through. It may not be simple if she doesn't want to leave and has established residency.

No way. I can't imagine any legal issues from this. The woman is a guest and a freeloader. OP and his wife can have her removed by the police if they wish as it's THEIR home.

[Gaijin]

One thing that has not been touched on. Because you have let her stay so long if when asked to leave she refuses you then will have to go to court and apply and have an eviction order issued by the court and served by a deputy sheriff. Normally the eviction order is a 30 day notice once she is served.

If she refuses to be out in 30 days she can be forcibly evicted again by the sheriffs office.

I know what you’re going to say. “But she’s not on the lease.” “She doesn’t pay rent.” “We want her out now!”

Doesn’t matter. Where I worked if a person couch surfed two weeks or received one piece of mail addressed to them at that residence they had to be court ordered evicted if they refuse to go. The police cannot make her leave and will only refer you to court.

Troublesome bitter lesson.

[breitlings]

Originally Posted by Bigblu10

No way. I can't imagine any legal issues from this. The woman is a guest and a freeloader. OP and his wife can have her removed by the police if they wish as it's THEIR home.

Not to be contrarian but justice has swung so far one direction things may surprise you and may not be obvious (e.g. there is no consideration so one would think there is no contract established).

1) Police won't evict someone, it's not a matter they would enforce. Private security will (but the eviction would have to be "legal" or you expose yourself), maybe the sheriff's office as described above.

2) If she has established residency you would have to have a court order, and

3) There are some sort of notices that would need to be provided to get that order, to compel the sheriff to do that.

Things like this drive Judge Judy, not that she is my main informational source but she is quite good, crazy because it doesn't make sense she has had a few cases like this on her show. She has some cases about that go further down this (and related) rabbit hole(s) that also make her furious. She is super nice I've seen her around Greenwich a few times, my brother opened the door for her on Greenwich Ave, and she espoused politeness and thanked him.

[breitlings]

...

[Bigblu10]

Originally Posted by breitlings

Not to be contrarian but justice has swung so far one direction things may surprise you and may not be obvious (e.g. there is no consideration so one would think there is no contract established).

1) Police won't evict someone, it's not a matter they would enforce. Private security will (but the eviction would have to be "legal" or you expose yourself), maybe the sheriff's office as described above.

2) If she has established residency you would have to have a court order, and

3) There are some sort of notices that would need to be provided to get that order, to compel the sheriff to do that.

Things like this drive Judge Judy, not that she is my main informational source but she is quite good, crazy because it doesn't make sense she has had a few cases like this on her show. She has some cases about that go further down this (and related) rabbit hole a bit further that also make her furious.

A sticky situation to say the least. I am not in a dilemma like the OP fortunately. Thanks for the insight.

[Lawman77]

Originally Posted by breitlings

There may be some legal issues you need to jump through. It may not be simple if she doesn't want to leave and has established residency.

Seriously? The sister is a squatter, right? So now the OP must take legal recourse? Give me a break.

[Bigblu10]

Originally Posted by Lawman77

Seriously? The sister is a squatter, right? So now the OP must take legal recourse? Give me a break.

Does your name insinuate you are a lawyer? Just interesting what the law says about this.