Elgato's Jokes

[elgatonegro]

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.

2. Ahh, it's cute.

3. Who circumcised you?

4. Why don't we just cuddle?

5. You know they have surgery to fix that.

6. It's more fun to look at.

7. Make it dance.

8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?

10. It looks like a night crawler.

11. Wow, and your feet are so big.

12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.

13. It's ok, we'll work around it.

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?

15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?

17. Oh no, a flash headache.

18. (giggle and point)

19. Can I be honest with you?

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.

[swatty]

:thumb sup:

[Latrodectus]

:cheers :

[figbo]

[toph]

very good

[elgatonegro]

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Maria said, "My family went to the Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "`fascinate.`"

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to Magic Kingdom. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word fascinate.`"

Mario raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Mario was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.

Mario said, "My sister has a new sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."

[Art161]

[elgatonegro]

I bet you guys more than 1 minute. Find the Man's Head within 3 seconds - You're a genius!

According to medical experiments:

If you can find the Man's Head within 3 seconds, your right brain is
developed better than normal people.

If you can find the Man's Head within 1 minute, your right brain is
developed normally.

If you can find the Man's Head within 1-3 minutes, your right brain is
slow in reacting, you should eat more meat protein.

If you find the Man's Head in 3 minutes or more, your right brain is a disaster... extremely slow in reacting, the only suggestion is, please watch more cartoons to help normally develop your right brain.

let me know what is your time..

[elgatonegro]

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister.My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate.She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day the "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said,"We are so happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[xtra3cats]

Very good Kabayan!

[swatty]

[gmtobsessed]

Originally Posted by elgatonegro

here's the full size of my greatest collection!

[Latrodectus]

[marshallr47]

[elgatonegro]

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, in a small southern town, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife in three different women, and one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost passed out.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail."

[elgatonegro]

I knew this day would come
when I have to stay away from you...

...when I have to run away
when you're approaching...

...when I have to hide and be
silent when you're around...

...because I know within myself that you really
don't want to see me because you're afraid...

...I know you want to hurt me
but you can't...

...because I already run away from you...


--RAT (Emote, ..when he's alone)

[alohanakoni]

[JJ Irani]

All terrific!!

[Bisquitlips]

[elgatonegro]

A lawyer beats a traffic stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy. He thinks he is smarter than the deputy because he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy’s expense. “License and registration, please,” the deputy says. “What for?” he asks. The Deputy answers, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.” “I slowed down, and no one was coming,” he says. “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.” “What’s the difference?” “The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

He says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket.” The deputy says, “Exit your vehicle, sir.” At this point, the deputy takes off his gloves, starts slapping the lawyer and says, “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”

[figbo]

The lawyer wants him to stop,I say (don't) slow down!

[Bisquitlips]

Originally Posted by elgatonegro

here's the full size of my greatest collection!

Crap! That is all I needed! Seeing flies mate!

[elgatonegro]

Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SH*T (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.

Management has always prided itself on the amount of SH*T it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SH*T, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SH*T you can handle.



Sincereley,
The Management

[JJ Irani]

[figbo]

[Latrodectus]

[limbo]

[champion5]

oh my.. i have read every single on and it took a long time.
you gots jokes!!! very good jokes

[elgatonegro]

Originally Posted by champion5

oh my.. i have read every single on and it took a long time.
you gots jokes!!! very good jokes

thanks bro.

[elgatonegro]

FHM 2009

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