Bipolar disorder

[blassy]

So kind of at my wits end, and just looking for advice anywhere I can get it.
My wife who has always struggled with anxiety disorder, has had a rather dramatic behavioral change over the last few months.
She suddenly stopped sleeping and was always in her phone. Soon found out she was incessantly texting some 25 year old boy she works with (she's 48) because he was showing her lots of attention.
Suddenly the obsession grew - googling things like "how should I list my crush in my phone". I honestly thought it was my 12 year old daughter doing it. Her texting not only with him, but all her new friends became a frenzy. Up until 2 or 3 am and back at it for 7am.
For comparison - she sent 70 text messages in August. In November it was over 1500.
Then the spending started. Found out she took out a credit card in just her name in August when I found a bill under one of her pillows. She's managed to run it up to 22K in just 4 months. New obsession is the hair salon....goes two to 3 times a week and last month was over 500 dollars. Last night spent 3K on concert tickets for her and our daughters without discussing it. I've brought it up many many many times, but explaining there's something wrong or asking if she needs help or telling her I'm worried about her...falls on deaf ears.
I've learned you can't help someone who doesn't want it.
Our family doc thinks her anxiety meds have been masking a bipolar disorder for years.
At a loss right now but wondering if anyone out there has had experience with this in a loved one.

[Rad22]

Sorry to hear this. Bipolar disorder is horrible.

I would say it’s best to see a psychiatrist and not a family physician.


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[blassy]

[QUOTE=Rad22;13061572]Sorry to hear this. Bipolar disorder is horrible.

I would say it’s best to see a psychiatrist and not a family physician.


Could not agree more - even he suggested we need to make that happen. Sadly she doesn't think there's anything wrong with her. Telling her she needs a doctor is like telling her the sky isn't blue and water isn't wet.

[Jimmy 2 Times]

Not for nothing but I’d walk away. Life’s too short to live like this.

I’m sorry if this is hurtful but you asked for advice and that is mine.

I’ve known many people with severe anxiety and mental disorders including bipolar and they really never get better. This is some family and friends. Brother in law is bipolar and I haven’t gone near him or my sister in over 5 years. I never plan to either.

[kieselguhr]

It sounds like you guys are married only in writing and I’m sorry to read that.

It’s difficult in general to have a rational discussion with another person, more so when a few psych disorders are thrown in the mix. But if it were me, it would be time to put the relationship up for evaluation and determine if going your separate ways would be the optimal happiness outcome for all parties involved.

[IgCarr]

Approaching the matter from multiple fronts at the same time is crucial. A psychiatrist is necessary as well as a psychologist and probably a a multi-week in-patient or out-patient program. The quicker you can secure a diagnosis the better as the manic stages will only get worse with each spike. Sounds like she's been on a high, then comes the low. It's a tough, long road with no easy solutions, but solutions nonetheless. Happy to share more information if you want to message me.

[brandrea]

I’m really sorry to read this Chris. It must be hard on you and the children …

I’ve never lived what you’re going through, so I can’t offer you any advice really.

I guess I can empathize as my dad has gone through tremendous physical and mental changes due to Parkinson’s and Dementia. He’s just not the same person.

Thoughts go out to you and yours in this difficult time.

[soldes]

Mental illness is an extremely challenging disease to have for any person, and often, places an unbearable stress in a relationship. It seems that you are willing to help and fight for your family. So here it goes:

- Find a Psychiatrist (Not a therapist), in your area, that specializes in this type of mental illness.
- This is a family problem, as such, your kids need to know and understand what your wife is dealing with; but DO NOT get them involved as part of the solution, nor make them responsible for what is going on.
- Once you find a physician specialist that you trust, follow his/her instructions for her care, even it involves hospitalization.

There is not a quick fix for mental related health issues, and unfortunately the road for recovery/functionality is a long one.
Best of luck to you.

[mtrunner]

This is truly a terrible situation. The mental disorder may explain a lot of what she is going thru but I am not sure you can say everything she is doing is tied 100% to this. Also, even if she is not physically involved with this younger man, she is at the minimum emotionally cheating on you and that is something I would not be able to live with. That's a tough situation to be in and I hope everything works out.

[Ferdelious]

I've been through something similar when it comes to infidelity. Even if there hasn't been anything physical, the emotional part is just as serious. That has to stop now or it's only going to get worse.

Hopefully she will come to her senses and heed the advice of seeking help. I wish you the best of luck.

[Wahlberg]

How are your finances holding up? You need to take action asap so you don't get burned.

[Blansky]

This sounds to me like what can happen to some women going through and after menopause. Their bodies go through incredible hormone changes and their behavior can go off the charts.

Some women sail through menopause and others it's a massive struggle. Doctors have very little training in menopause and lots of these hormone changes are way over their heads.

I'd search other doctors than family GPs. Perhaps a female gynecologist.

Good luck.

[Colorado_kid]

She’ll have to recognize and accept there is a problem first. That’s the only way she’ll be able to seek help.

Really sorry you’re going through this. For the children’s sake, I don’t think leaving her is a wise decision.

Sounds like you need professional help on multiple fronts. Psychiatric and marriage counseling.

Wishing you all the best.


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[blassy]

Thanks folks.
My girls are 8 and 12. They know something isn’t right but I’m doing my best to shield them. I’ve had one foot out the door on many occasions, but after 15 years of marriage and two small kids, I know leaving would cause more harm than good.
Our 15th anniversary was last week. She called me crying and apologizing and saying I love you. Week later and she’ll barely talk to me.
It a fluid and terrible situation especially with small girls who idolize their mom.
I want to make she’s she’s ok first and foremost. I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive someone who goes outside our marriage whether that’s emotionally or physically, but she’s the mother of my children and will have influence on the kind of young women ours girls become. She needs to be ok to do that.

[-dustin]

Too much to be putting out there, but had to deal with a similar situation 1yr + 1mo ago. Wifey ended up in a mental health facility...inpatient followed by intensive outpatient for something like 2 months. But it was an absolute must. Sounds like your wife is manic...the depressive episode that is coming up is going to be bad. Medical help must be found quickly. It's gonna suck, but you're going to have to put your foot down, and be pretty straight forward with her. Fact of the matter is - she's not ok. She needs help, tweaks to her meds, and likely a new medication for mood stabilization. You're about to go through some tough times. Sorry you're having to go through this, but eventually your wife will come back. She just has to be willing to acknowledge that there's a problem, and if it's not addressed - you're gone. And you will get custody of the girls.

[SearChart]

Sorry to hear. I cannot offer any advice, but I wish you and your wife the best of luck.

[EEpro]

I lived through this in 2004-2009 and it ended it as you might expect but not before I paid $66,000 in medical expenses for someone who is now a stranger.

[jgottsman11]

I was somewhat dealing with something similar, but we weren't married. Clear anxiety disorder issues and was making poor decisions, but when I brought up getting help or seeing someone about what's going on, she would blow up and say she doesn't need help or doesn't want to take medicine.

I ended up cutting things off and she made up some bologna crap out of spite and tried to get me in trouble with the law. Get yourself out of the situation while you can because people with disorders like that will always be like that

[jgottsman11]

Originally Posted by blassy

Thanks folks.
My girls are 8 and 12. They know something isn’t right but I’m doing my best to shield them. I’ve had one foot out the door on many occasions, but after 15 years of marriage and two small kids, I know leaving would cause more harm than good.
Our 15th anniversary was last week. She called me crying and apologizing and saying I love you. Week later and she’ll barely talk to me.
It a fluid and terrible situation especially with small girls who idolize their mom.
I want to make she’s she’s ok first and foremost. I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive someone who goes outside our marriage whether that’s emotionally or physically, but she’s the mother of my children and will have influence on the kind of young women ours girls become. She needs to be ok to do that.

Me personally, I wouldn't go back to that, as hard as it sounds. If she doesn't want to listen and get help, she likely never will

[RichardBartlett]

My ex wife had severe mental issues to the point she was sectioned twice. I stayed with it for the sake of our daughter and thinking we could get through it. Our relocation to Tenerife proved too much and she had a big episode and up and went back to UK on her own unannounced..

Luckily for me she wanted a divorce so the decision was made for me but my advice is unless she up's her meds and gets help she will bankrupt you financially and emotionally.

You (I mean YOU) can't 'fix' things and overall it's better to get out now than later.. The end result is the same..

[xrole]

Originally Posted by blassy

Thanks folks.
My girls are 8 and 12. They know something isn’t right but I’m doing my best to shield them. I’ve had one foot out the door on many occasions, but after 15 years of marriage and two small kids, I know leaving would cause more harm than good.
Our 15th anniversary was last week. She called me crying and apologizing and saying I love you. Week later and she’ll barely talk to me.
It a fluid and terrible situation especially with small girls who idolize their mom.
I want to make she’s she’s ok first and foremost. I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive someone who goes outside our marriage whether that’s emotionally or physically, but she’s the mother of my children and will have influence on the kind of young women ours girls become. She needs to be ok to do that.

Sorry to read you are in this situation but you need to set yourself a clear direction now with an action plan and concrete steps, not flounder around while your life is made miserable. Snap out of your lethargy because it will do no-one any good.

1. Firstly, cut off access to any key financial accounts or implement spending limits on any cards tied to your accounts. This is to stop her doing anything crazy with your financials and you must do this before any other steps to ensure there can be retaliations during the discussions.
2. Secondly, confront her about the behaviour (infidelity, spending etc) and the impact it is having on you and the kids and tell her that you want to help her but that she must agree to get help in whatever form it takes (seeing a psychiatrist etc).
3. If you for some reason want to stay in this loveless marriage of hardship then lay out clear lines that if something does not change within a not-too-distant timeframe then you cannot bear to live like that.

She has to understand the problem and she needs to know there will consequences for her life with you and the kids as this will help to drive change. Plus, your kids are getting older and if this is not nipped in the bud they it will be hell for them. Pretty sure you would get custody of the kids if it comes to separation as a result of serios mental health issues and if things get bad then you being a single father will likely be better for all concerned than living a hellish life under the roof of someone with these issues.

[JTL31]

So sorry to hear your family is going through this Chris!!
Feel free to DM me as I MIGHT be able to offer helpful information. My sister is BiPolar; she was diagnosed years ago. Thankfully, she now leads a very productive life with a good job, and her relationships are all intact. The difference however is PROMPT medical treatment as your wife is in the throes of a severe manic state. She is most likely unaware of all her risky behaviors and the havoc they are causing. When the symptoms lessen, or subside, the reverse is a severe depression. She needs immediate help.
Wishing you & your family the best!

[rootbeer7]

I’m so sorry for you. Is it a mental disorder or is that an excuse for her (potential) infidelity? I walked away from similar after a very short marriage and a 3 year old. 12 years later it’s still costing me (4 years to go), but I’m happily remarried for nearly 10 years, with 2 step-kids, a joint effort and still as close as ever with my daughter who lives only 10 minutes away.
You may be better all round by walking.

[airchitect]

I’d grab kids and head the opposite direction. Would not derail the future for this.


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[Clockmeister]

Would she be willing to read and/or listen to a video from respected medical sources? That might resonate with her own behaviors.

Is she willing to see a psychiatrist?
As others have said, seems she is in a manic state. This is consistent with little sleep and spending money that is unusual for her.
Hopefully she will see a psychiatrist asap.
If she is diagnosed as being in a manic state, the correct meds are essential. If not, her choices and behaviors can be self destructive.
And psychosis can ensue.

I hope she gets help and you can both work through this illness together.
When she is stable, attending local groups for those and their loved ones with bipolar disorder can be very beneficial.

[ltmgeller]

I've been through something similar which ended in divorce. Medication only masks the problem, it doesn't fix it. Anxiety is triggered by something. There are healthy coping mechanisms, but they only work if your wife is willing to work. The hiding the boy crush is indicative of problems with your marriage. She's missing something and is looking elsewhere instead of finding it with you. I'd recommend concealing. For both of you. Separate and as a couple. If you both are willing to do the work, you can save your marriage. In my case, why wife didn't want to put in the work. She was "already done" in her mind so thats what led to our divorce. I have to say though, there is life after divorce. I met someone who I'm head over heels in love with and who loves me more than I've ever been loved in my life. We just got engaged and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with her. At 49 years old, I'm now living my best life. PM me if you'd like if you have more questions.

[JasoninDenver]

Originally Posted by xrole

Sorry to read you are in this situation but you need to set yourself a clear direction now with an action plan and concrete steps, not flounder around while your life is made miserable. Snap out of your lethargy because it will do no-one any good.

1. Firstly, cut off access to any key financial accounts or implement spending limits on any cards tied to your accounts. This is to stop her doing anything crazy with your financials and you must do this before any other steps to ensure there can be retaliations during the discussions.
2. Secondly, confront her about the behaviour (infidelity, spending etc) and the impact it is having on you and the kids and tell her that you want to help her but that she must agree to get help in whatever form it takes (seeing a psychiatrist etc).
3. If you for some reason want to stay in this loveless marriage of hardship then lay out clear lines that if something does not change within a not-too-distant timeframe then you cannot bear to live like that.

She has to understand the problem and she needs to know there will consequences for her life with you and the kids as this will help to drive change. Plus, your kids are getting older and if this is not nipped in the bud they it will be hell for them. Pretty sure you would get custody of the kids if it comes to separation as a result of serios mental health issues and if things get bad then you being a single father will likely be better for all concerned than living a hellish life under the roof of someone with these issues.

X2.

As a former divorce lawyer, I can tell you these things rarely improve. If they do, it is because the affected person recognized they had a problem and agreed to seek help.

Your duty here is:

1. Protect your kids. Having them see their mom unravel will do harm of orders of magnitude greater than a divorce ever will.

2. Protect yourself. Sadly filing for a divorce is your best option here. You can always withdraw it if she changes course. However, you need her away from the financial accounts as much as possible. More importantly, you will need to protect yourself from false accusations of spousal abuse. The temporary injunctions that come with a divorce action will offer this.

3. Help your wife. But only once the above two conditions are met.

It will take some time to accept the realization that you have been cheated on both financially and emotionally. Once this dynamic has entered any marriage, the odds for its continuous existence are slim to none.

[BLACKHORSE 6]

Originally Posted by blassy

Thanks folks.
My girls are 8 and 12. They know something isn’t right but I’m doing my best to shield them. I’ve had one foot out the door on many occasions, but after 15 years of marriage and two small kids, I know leaving would cause more harm than good.
Our 15th anniversary was last week. She called me crying and apologizing and saying I love you. Week later and she’ll barely talk to me.
It a fluid and terrible situation especially with small girls who idolize their mom.
I want to make she’s she’s ok first and foremost. I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive someone who goes outside our marriage whether that’s emotionally or physically, but she’s the mother of my children and will have influence on the kind of young women ours girls become. She needs to be ok to do that.

Hoping that she can come to acknowledge that there's a problem and that she needs help.

Just from what you've shared, I can tell you're a good man and father. Hang in there.

[travisb]

Very sorry to hear, Chris.
My mother had bipolar disorder and it ultimately ended my parents marriage. She was never unfaithful but the behavioral and personality changes along with bad decision making only got worse with time. She was the best mother one could ever ask for and one of the most kind and loving people you would ever meet. My father had to have her hospitalized because of some of her actions / decision making. Upon her release she wanted my father to promise that he would never do that again. He said that because he loved her and cared for her well being that he could not make that promise. Her response was "then I can never trust you with my life and I want a divorce'.
Sadly, I lost her when she was only 44 years old and I was 14.
It's a very serious illness and I wish nothing but the best for you and your family.

[EEpro]

Incredible engagement from the community here. 🥲